The 10th & 11th; I walk at the speed of a lame tortoise.

The 10th of February. 

It has been a most boring day, unfortunately. None of us had a good sleep, we’re blaming the pancakes. Not that that’ll stop us having them again. 

I was correct about the pain I expected – everything is very stiff and sore, so every time it bend, stretch, extend, tense a muscle, I’m wincing. Standing up and sitting down results in involuntary noises, and I walk at the speed of a lame tortoise. 

The wheelchair engineer was booked to come and fix the opening and closing mechanism between twelve and four, so I spent the afternoon in the armchair, crocheting and watching the window/tv. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Agent Carter, Pretty Little Liars. I’m nearly at the end of season 3. The chap’s only just arrived now, at six o’clock. It sounds like he’s had a dreadful day. Thankfully, it also sounds like he’s in the process of fixing it. 

I was supposed to have renal clinic this afternoon, but the engineer appointment kind of took precedence. I’m glad I rescheduled it, because I couldn’t have crossed a picket line. A solution to the contract problem was put on the table that everyone was happy with, but Jeremy Hunt vetoed it, the insufferable bastard. 

Wheelchair is done! All fixed, I am mobile again!

The 11th of February. 

I have had the most fun day. Well, the morning was not so fun – I’m still very creaky from the gym so moving was tough. I had the chiro at 11:15, but had to spend the moments before we left trying to chase the nasty black and white cat away from the fence where it was attacking Oscar. 

The chiro was good, slightly painful, some serious neck manipulation and squeezing but I gritted my teeth and dealt with it. We went straight from there to Ellie’s which is about five minutes away. Her flat is up two flights of stairs, but thankfully Mommy wanted to meet baby Esmé too, so she climbed up to her front door while I waited in the vestibule. 

Ellie popped Elle’s postcode into her SatNav and off we went! Esmé was very good, slept for almost the whole journey, but when we arrived, Elle wasn’t home! Luna had had a bad night so she’d only just been able to go to tbf shop to get our lunch, bless her. Luna wanted a hug from me straight away which made me very happy, she remembers her Aunty Kathryn, bringer of crocheted goods and farm ladies. 

We then spent about four hours just sitting, chatting, eating, trying to keep Luna amused. Esmé is a lot easier to entertain at just ten weeks, whereas Luna needs a little bit more attention. I got a lovely hug from Esmé when she just fell asleep on me for about an hour which was bliss. I obviously have magic powers. We decided at about five we really had to make our move, and Luna got very sad! Poor poppet. Although I am sure she got over it very quickly. 

I love babies. All the babies. Just none for me.


The 8th & 9th; It very quickly escalated into an ever so Jeremy Kyle-esque row.

The 8th of February. 

Got up very early for Apple Store trip, despite us not being sure if we would go – it depended on what the weather was doing. Thankfully, it wasn’t too bad, so we set off, but found it was getting rather damp by the time we arrived. The shop was fairly empty when we got there, just a couple of customers, so we went in and a chap told me to join the queue consisting of one man. When it was my turn, the man took my details and was very pleased that I’d brought a copy of my receipt with my serial number on it. He said it was fine to just replace the mouse, I just had to wait for maybe 15 minutes for an iMac technician to do it. As soon as I had moved out of the way, I saw the enormous queue that had materialised behind me, and suddenly felt rather smug. A small boy in said queue with his mother seemed to give up on life and just lay on the floor. An iMac man ambled over, we had a brief chat and he ordered a new mouse to come down for me. Then I signed the iPad and we were done!

To kill time, we went to buy a birthday card and have a coffee in Pret (which was surprisingly not too disgusting) before going over to the dental hospital. It was then chucking it down so on the short journey from the car to the front door, I got very wet legs and feet. My knees were so soaked, I went to the toilet, put each foot up on the counter and dried them under the hand dryer.

In the waiting room was an older couple, a man who was waiting for his wife and a man with his father. The younger man was bouncing his knees up and down and tapping his heels in the floor, his wet trainers squeaking. Needless to say, it was incredibly annoying. I was trying to formulate a way to ask him to stop when a woman came in with her mother. She clearly wasn’t in any sort of mood for this, so told him to stop which he did, but then he and his father laughed. She did not find it funny, and it very quickly escalated into an ever so Jeremy Kyle-esque row, only stopping when the lone man told them off in a very impressive manner. The two women got called in, and he started doing it again, so I just looked him in the eyes, then very pointedly at his feet. He stopped. Once they were gone too, we talked about how we were all just staring at our books while it was going on. So awkward. 

After all that, we saw lovely John who asked me all the standard questions, had a look and said my mouth looked the best he’d ever seen! All very pleasing, back in six months!

The 9th of February. 

I had a really weird night, dreaming I got stuck in a tomb. I managed to wake myself up, but it was very unpleasant. However, I was delighted to find out that a match has been found for Lara! Quite incredible, someone that could well have signed up because of her, and now hopefully she will go for transplant in March. I’m quite thrilled. 

I got dressed in gym clothes – I knew if I didn’t, I just wouldn’t bother going this afternoon. This morning I was in my own for the most part, watching TV and working on the bloody paddling pool for the doll. It is somewhat of a palaver – I will only be doing the most necessary of accessories for the next sets of kit. 

After lunch (and the final piece of brownie, sob), I went to the gym for the first time since the end of October. I didn’t feel up to the stairs, so Tom let me in at the lift entrance, and quickly showed me how they’d moved stuff around. I went through my old routine, doing either the same weights and fewer reps, or the next level of weights down. I basically did how I expected, so I’m not disappointed. It is what it is. I was rather trembly by the end. My legs already hurt a little so I’m sure I’ll be walking like a cowboy tomorrow. Very glad I’ve got nothing on. 


The 6th & 7th; No energy to implement said intentions.

The 6th of February. 

Today has been the very opposite of productive. Well, that is not strictly true – this morning I did a blog post and I read the paper, which pretty much always makes me hate the government a little bit more. Then again, that tends to happen at least once a day anyway. 

No films on this weekend that Daddy and I want to see, so I decided to spend my afternoon trying to back up my iPhone. I attempt this approximately twice a year and it usually results in me spending two or three days staring at the computer screen and getting irrationally enraged at the iTunes error message that it could not back up the iPhone because said iPhone disconnected which is nonsense. 

I tried the first thing the internet suggested and that seemed to be working, until it got to the end and suddenly said no. I’m currently in the middle of trying the second thing which involves copying the most recent backup, then deleting it, but the copying is taking rather longer than I anticipated, so I’ve left it to it and come downstairs. No doubt I shall return to it this evening because Saturday night tv is deplorable right now. 

The 7th of February. 

I have had success!

I got up with every intention of jumping in the shower and washing my hair, but no energy to implement said intentions. Instead, I remained in my pyjamas and dressing gown for the entire morning. Breathing while making my breakfast was tricky. Stupid unpredictable lung disease. I still plan on going back to the gym this week, but my routine will be severely pared back. 

The last item on Sunday Brunch was some sort of disgusting watermelon meringue monstrosity, and wanting to avoid that gave me the impetus to go and shower. It took a while but nevermind. 

I had my lunch, then I had one last idea to try and back up my phone. What I hadn’t done yesterday was delete the other old backups that were still in iTunes. I gave it a try as a last resort and after what seemed like forever, waiting as the bar inched further across the screen, it worked! So at least I don’t have to ask them about that tomorrow at the Apple shop too. 

I have started crocheting the paddling pool for the doll and it requires the use of the 2mm hook. Focusing on such tiny stitches is making me go cross-eyed. 


The 4th & 5th; I suppose I’m just scared.

The 4th of February. 

I fixed the crochet that was upsetting me. That’s the first thing. 

Second thing is I went to the GP to chat about the fluid in my hand. It’s only in my left hand, doesn’t make sense. He didn’t say much. Felt my hand, suggested I take my bracelets off. There isn’t much to do because it isn’t inflamed. I suppose I just have to watch it, see if it gets worse? Blah. 

It’s #WorldCancerDay today. It’s difficult for me – I have a lot of mixed feelings. No doubtedly it fucked up my life good and truly, but a lot of really incredible things have happened that wouldn’t have otherwise. I have no idea what my life might have been like if I were healthy, it could’ve been utterly dreadful. 

I’m also incredibly grateful to the places I was treated and the treatment I had. My donors, too. However, I resent them for not being quite good enough to fully fix me. I know I shouldn’t be bitter but it’s hard when I see so many other people who got through it scot-free. 

I suppose I just feel like I can’t put it behind me, like it’s never over. If it came back in another form, I wouldn’t be surprised. The amount of oestrogen I’ll go through in my lifetime could certainly cause me problems of nothing else does first. 

I suppose I’m just scared. I’m afraid to try and make a life in case it gets taken from me. 

The 5th of February. 

It has not been an especially busy day. 

I managed to get my own breakfast and coffee this morning, which has made me hopeful for my return to the gym next week. 

The majority of my day has been spent crocheting the lilo for my crochet doll to lie on (yes I know). I took a break after lunch for Mommy and I to go out to town so I could take my Bluetooth mouse into the Apple shop. It was my first trip in the courtesy car we’ve been given while they fix the minor bit of damage that was done the other week when Mommy scraped the car outside Black Sheep, and as soon as I got in I was hit with a wave of smell from the bubblegum air freshener. It’s awful. The mouse is still under AppleCare so they should just replace it. However, for them to do that, I need an actual appointment, and to get one today, I would’ve had to wait three hours. I’m at the dental hospital on Monday anyway, so we’re going to go into town early and go to the Apple shop first thing, so hopefully I can get sorted before I go to see Mrs. Richards or one of her minions. 

We also had a brief trip to John Lewis to get a 2mm and a 5.5mm crochet hook for other projects within the book. I’ve been through it and checked that those were the only ones I’ll need. 

I’m going to have to text Shaki; I want more kittens!

This photo was taken just after I had a tumour that was in my face biopsied in 2008.


The 2nd & 3rd; I am not the sort of woman men want to date.

The 2nd of February. 

I had to get up ridiculously early today to be at the Women’s Hospital for menopause clinic at 9. It was made slightly better by being greeted by an elderly volunteer who told us a wonderful day. I got called through at about half nine, she asked how I was getting on with the coil and I told her it was absolutely fine, then brought up that I’d had a letter about my smear. She tried to do one when I was under GA but it got contaminated and probably would’ve been insufficient anyway. She said we could try again there and then, so I said okay because I think it’s necessary and I think she’s probably the best person to do it. I went into the room next door, took off my jeans and pants, and covered myself with the tissue. The nurse got the smallest speculum and lots of gel, but it was still absolutely excruciating and impossible. She asked if I was in a relationship and I had to resist the urge to laugh in her face. I am not the sort of woman men want to date. I said no, not for a long time. It’s been nearly three years since I was with anyone. Anyway, she’s going to talk to a colleague about how vital this is, and if it’s decided I really need it soon, I’ll be booked in for another GA to try again. 

This afternoon has been incredibly tedious, making the hair for the crochet doll. I spent a good four hours attaching individual stands of wool all over the head. It was not my favourite activity but it does look good. At least it was worth it!

The 3rd of February. 

Hm well I’ve been productive but I’m annoyed at it. 

I have had a very boring day in terms of activities – I’ve just crocheted all day. I’ve been working on a swimsuit for my crochet doll, but the arm holes are askew and I don’t like it. I don’t understand how I’ve fucked up though, so I’m probably going to spend my evening looking up techniques, or just trying to work out how I can do things like this better. It looks fine when I’ve put it on the doll, because I can twist it a bit. It just doesn’t make sense. 

Ohh I’m just frustrated and I have nothing else to say. 


The 31st & 1st; Ho di ho.

The 31st of January. 

Ho di ho. Terry Wogan died today. It’s a good thing January finishes today; I don’t think the world can handle much more of it. 

Mommy greeted me this morning with that cheery snippet of news – they hadn’t taken Grandma to church because she’d had a bad night. I think she needs a different sleeping pill. I watched Sunday Brunch while doing a blog post, then went through Mommy’s food magazines, which is what I was going to do yesterday when I threw the water everywhere. The living room has returned to normal now. 

After lunch, I finished crocheting the legs of the doll and stuffed them, then started up the torso. I’ve had to pause because I need to feed some wire down them so she is posable, but I also need to make a prototype shoe so I can gauge where to put the stitch to make the ankle. Can’t have her feet being the wrong size!

I thought I’d go and try using the computer – I’ve been giving my eyes a rest from it. After a tussle with the bluetooth mouse (despite changing the batteries, it refused to connect), I had to get the cabled one, but then I whiled away a few hours on The Sims. 

I almost forgot to mention, today we finally made brownies using the brownie batter Oreos. They are going to be pudding tonight and I am really rather excited. 

The 1st of February. 

Woke up with a start because Grandma rang me by accident. My ringtone is Sail by AwolNation and the first note is pretty powerful and alarming when not expected. 

I had to get up early anyway because I had an appointment at the hygienist, then dentist at ten to eleven. Just before going, I saw a woman on Jeremy Kyle with the most upsetting front teeth, very poor dental hygiene, and I mentioned this to the hygienist who blanched. Neither of us can imagine how it is possible to not brush one’s teeth. She gave me lots of praise, as did Liam – I am their star patient obviously. I’m think I just like going because they tell me how great I am. 

The rest of my day has been taken up with finishing the crochet doll. I finished off the second arm, stuffed them both, added the wire, then attached them to the body. Then stuffed the head, put in the eyes and attached that too! Now I’m in the process of making the hair which I’ve never done before, so that’s an interesting process. No pictures yet because she’s naked and bald right now and it would be rather undignified.


The 29th & 30th; I feel ever so highbrow.

The 29th of January. 

My head is a big jumble of thoughts this evening. I think it best to start at the beginning. 

I woke up from a really complicated dream, I can’t remember the narrative but I was really annoyed that I am now disabled in my dreams, that is not fair. I wrote up a blog post, and Mommy went to Boots to look for some eye drops that were similar to the ones we hope to get prescribed and actually found them. She bought some, because I need something until I see a doctor, but having them prescribed would be better because they are not cheap. 

My wool for My Crochet Doll arrived, but I haven’t had time to do anything with it because Daddy and I went out at two to go to CineWorld to see Spotlight. It’s so good, really, everyone is so impressive. Mark Ruffalo is excellent, especially his physicality. I couldn’t help thinking how much Nish would like it, it’s definitely his kind of film. After seeing The Big Short last Friday and this today, I feel ever so highbrow. Both such important stories. I’d say The Big Short is more entertaining, but Spotlight never made me mad at myself. I came out of the film, a film about paedophile priests, to see a news story about how Doug Richard from Dragons’ Den has been found not guilty of child sex offences, despite admitting having sex with a 13 year old. I don’t know how, it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m kind of aghast. 

However, in nice news, the #match4lara campaign has added 12,000 new donors to Anthony Nolan, half of which are BAME, which is fantastic. So some people are good. 

The 30th of January. 

Ugh you know when you do something stupid and it just makes you hate yourself? I just spilt two thirds of a large glass of water all over the living room table and I’m so annoyed at myself, I can’t write properly, I’m trembling. 

My eyes have been better again today – I woke up with less pain than previous days. I read the paper, did the puzzles, and texted Becky to arrange a time for me to go round and see the progress they’d made on the house. 

We agreed on after lunch, so I finished off the head of the crochet doll, ate some food, and we watched all the stressful tennis. Mommy got quite emotional at Kerber’s win, less so at Jamie Murray’s. In the speeches, she just wanted Soares to shut up. 

Alison picked me up and we went to the house, which looks very different! It’s all plastered now, they have the log burner going and the gas fire in the front room, the kitchen is (almost) fully functional. The bedroom upstairs is painted, bed is in, and while I was there, the wardrobe got taken up the stairs to join it. It seemed like every moment, someone was calling Becky’s name to ask her opinion, or where a particular thing was, or just to tell her someone was wearing shoes in the bedroom. Tim, Rose and Mommy also joined us, so the house got very busy. I think it was a relief when we made our move. 

Arrived home, made a huge mess! Excellent show. 


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