The 29th & 30th; It made me feel like nothing.

The 29th of November. 

I was thinking I might have a Zopiclone tonight having had bad sleeps recently, but after a visit from Elle, Ben and Luna, I don’t think I’ll need it. She is a tiny whirlwind human. 

This morning I busied myself with a blog post and the assembling of a crocheted thing. I am being vague about it in case someone finds out what their presents are. It took a good couple of hours because it’s quite a stressful process, making sure everything goes in the right place and is adequately stuffed. Got that finished, then lunch. The Winnington-Coes were supposed to arrive at half one but they were a tad late so I started sewing up another thing but didn’t quite finish it. 

Once they arrived, it was mild chaos. She will march off in any direction. Many things came out of the bags to entertain her, mainly musical books. We also spent a long time trying to get her to make a duck noise, and were suitably delighted when she did. The only word she can really say is “car”. Ben dearly wishes he understood her ramblings and one day they’ll make sense but for now it’s just noises and pointing. 

I didn’t get any smashy hugs this time, just a little headbutt. They headed off at about half four, when she got grizzly and sleepy, and took her new hat and mittens with them. She refuses to wear hats right now, but that’s fine because it’s a bit big so she can grow into it. 

I love watching her grow. I hope I get to for as long as possible. 

The 30th of November. 

It was a normal day. Daddy forgot his glasses again so we were taking them to him, then doing a couple of jobs in town. I took back one of the purses I’d bought for Mommy to House of Fraser, then went to John Lewis to get my wrapping paper. Doing a red and white theme. 

They didn’t have the sort of ribbon I wanted, so we went to Paperchase because I knew they would. We were moving through Selfridges, and there was a man dawdling in front of me so I swerved and overtook him. The next thing I knew, I felt this man’s full weight on top of me, one elbow in my head, his other hand on my bag. He used me to push himself up, and I asked him if he was alright. He didn’t extend the same courtesy to me, and walked away. I buried my face in my scarf, breathed deep, willed the tears back into my eyes. I know I make jokes about being invisible, but I’ve never been fallen on before. I was in front of him and he claimed he didn’t see me. It really hurt, physically and emotionally. It made me feel like nothing, no one. It’s like I live on the cusp of a normal life. I know that when I’m in the chair, all people see is the chair, but today they didn’t even see that. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. Nobody I know could understand.

The 27th & 28th; So much fun with Nish last night.

The 27th of November. 

I had so much fun with Nish last night. We arrived at the same time so climbed the stairs together to his dressing room to hang out. He had to do a quick tech thing, but then we just talked about stuff, not much about Jon Ronson which was the original plan, more about Louis Theroux, Meryl Streep and Harry Shearer. I ducked into the studio just before he was supposed to start, sitting in the nearest seat which was at the end of the front row. At the other end were several members of his family, and between us there were three young women who were pretty drunk. They were quite lively during the first half but moved in the interval which I think we wise. I loved the show, as I expected to, and we will definitely get together again when we can.

Today I have been totally wiped. A long day yesterday with a bad sleep before, I am really looking forward to my bed tonight. Mommy and I finally watched The Bridge from Saturday and it was just as good as ever. I love Saga. I do not love Lise, although I think she is kind of right in the way she’s dealing with her daughter’s school. 

I have had to wear a shawl over my jumper when in with Nick today because he kept trying to eat the bells on it. Such a daft kitty. 

The 28th of November. 

Having been so exhausted yesterday, it took me hours to fall asleep which was incredibly frustrating. I heaved myself out of bed at half past nine and had a not massively productive morning, just a blog post before going to watch I’m A Celebrity with Nick. He was being suitably mental, attacking my jumper and chasing the newspapers. 

After lunch, I read the paper, was excellent at the sudoku. The rest of my afternoon has been crocheting and I’ve now made all the bits of Christmas presents, now they just need assembling. One part was particularly tricky, but I found a video to help me so now it’s all done!I think I just need to get one more present for Mommy, then it will be done. 

I haven’t even really looked at wrapping paper yet, and that is very important. Always got to come up with a new theme!

The 25th & 26th; How inspirational I am.

The 25th of November. 

Been out all day! I was up at eight, had breakfast, coffee, did a blog post and crocheted a bit of present before going out to Black Sheep to get my hair cut and coloured. I presented Michaela with the hat I’d made for Blossom, so I’m now awaiting a picture of her in it. We went a bit more red and copper in my hair today, less gold, and I’m going to get it brightened up again just before Christmas. Michaela trimmed all my ends but that was all that was needed, and by half twelve I was free again. 

Home for lunch, then we were out again to town to return the last Oasis dress. A girl in the shop was actually wearing it so I definitely couldn’t wear it for Christmas now. We also went to John Lewis to buy crackers, and on our way back bumped into Kate Warnaby, an old friend from the Hippodrome, and we had a good natter in the middle of Grand Central. 

On our way home, we stopped to get some hamster bedding and we also picked up some “poultry paté” to try Nick with because he appears to like the wet food until he’s licked all the jelly off, then he doesn’t want it anymore.

Christine called and she is a poorly panda. Coughs and sniffles, she needs lots of rest. No sport for her. 

The 26th of November. 

It’s been a good day. Admittedly, it didn’t start off brilliantly with the boiler man arriving at five to eight but he got the heating working again without all the noise so we were able to be on our way to pick up Grandma and go to the Good Food Show by just after ten. 

We didn’t have to pay £12 for parking this time because the shed was full so we just parked near the shed and saved some money! We arrived just in time to see Michel Roux Jr in the supertheatre. Perk of being disabled is that we all get sat together near the front so always have a good view. He made a duck dish which looked delicious. 

Once I’d got out (I got stuck behind a woman taking up a lot of space in her chair, going very slow, and she wouldn’t move slightly to the left so I couldn’t get round her), I got myself some caffeine in the shape of The Shack Revolution, then find a quiet corner to go through the show guide and find the places I wanted to visit. It basically involved the places I could buy brownies, and somewhere for lunch. I had a kangaroo burger which was adequate, but nothing to write home about. I got another Christmas present for Daddy and had a long chat with the lady on the stall because she asked why I was in a wheelchair. I told her, so then I got to hear about how inspirational I am, and how well I look. That’s always nice. 

Got five brownies (Gower Cottage, and triple chocolate, Oreo, Nutella and vanilla and white chocolate from The Brownie Bar) and a sticky toffee flapjack for Daddy, then met up with Mommy and Grandma who were also done so home we went  

Ate one of my brownies when we got back, then spent the rest of my afternoon with Nick and Netflix. Tonight is Nish at the Glee so I’m very much looking forward to that – we’re going to have a pre-show hang, Widdicombe style. 

The 23rd & 24th; Really rather dissatisfied.

The 23rd of November. 

Started my day by smashing my wrist on the bathroom door so I’ve got a lovely new bruise there. 

My morning consisted of a blog post, then Christmas shopping online which proved ultimately fruitless because when I got to the final stage of checking out, I discovered that the items I wanted to buy can’t be shipped to the UK. Not helpful. 

After lunch, we went into town so I could pick up a present I’d ordered for Daddy, and go looking for a purse for Mommy. This was another unproductive trip because all I ended up getting was a dress for me that might be my new Christmas dress (I’m fickle and I can still return the Oasis one) and some Christmas cards. Neither John Lewis nor Debenhams had any purses I deemed of acceptable quality so I was really rather dissatisfied. 

Christine rang when we got home, so I talked to her while I appeased Nick’s need for fuss. I had a look at the Cats Protection website last night and they’ve got loads of new kittens on the website and I’m worried no one will want Nick. 

The 24th of November. 

A much better start to the day than yesterday. My dress from John Lewis was delivered early (they didn’t have a small in the shop so I had to order it online) so I tried that on after breakfast and I like it a lot more than the Oasis one so I’ll be making another return to there. I’m sure they’ll be delighted. 

The rest of my morning was spent crocheting. I’ve made all the parts of one of the presents note so that’ll just need sewing up, although I’m not sure how I’ll wrap it. Maybe I’ll just put it in a box. 

Rosemary came for lunch so we had a bit of a chat, then some she and Mommy ate, I watched tv which required no brainpower and went to see if Nick had eaten much food. I might try him on some tuna or something. 

After I finished ask my crochet, I went to catch up on I’m A Celebrity and give Nick some hugs. He’s so sleepy, just wants to get in small gaps and snuggle up, just like Oscar. 

The heating is so noisy. A man came to look at the boiler this morning and a part needs replacing, which he’s going to come back with on Thursday at 8am. We’re going to the Good Food Show so I will at least be awake anyway. 

The 21st & 22nd; Every day I despair about the future.

The 21st of November. 

Oh, last night I was full of rage. I had been complaining on Twitter about how I miss the voice I used to have, how it kills me that I can’t sing the way I used to. I don’t talk about it a lot but performing was a massive part of who I used to be, it was what I was good at, what I was confident about and it was taken away from me. Someone who follows me advised that I try “breathing exercises” and I just about exploded. How someone that follows me can not know I have an incurable lung condition I just don’t know. The anger itself made me breathless. 

Today I went to see Mockingjay pt. 2 with Daddy. A film I didn’t think I’d live to see but here I am. The Hunger Games always makes me want to smash the government and this time was no different. President Snow holds echoes of David Cameron. Obviously, Dave is not quite as blatant about his disregard for the poor and the vulnerable but it’s there. He cares about those he deems important (i.e. his class, the wealthy) and the rest of us are inconsequential. Profit is all that matters and if he can dismantle public services so the private sector can take them over to run them poorly to no account then it doesn’t matter because he can afford decent care if it’s necessary. I wonder if he ever feels guilty about what he’s doing but I think it’s unlikely. Every day I despair about the future because I don’t want to live in the world the Conservatives are creating.

The 22nd of November. 

It has been freezing all day. I only tolerate being cold for Christmas and my birthday, otherwise winter would have no benefits at all. The only times I’ve really been warm today have been when I’ve had Nick on my lap. He isn’t doing the sad mews as much but he isn’t eating a lot and I’m not sure what to do about that. I’m just going on my knowledge that kittens tend to self-regulate and if food is there and he is hungry he’ll eat. 

I spent my morning reading yesterday’s paper, and I did very well on the crossword. I also got some inspiration for Christmas presents from the gift guide. I’m doing pretty well – got a spreadsheet going. 

This afternoon I have crocheted while Mommy and I caught up on two episodes of The Returned. That’s one foreign drama down for the week, now The Bridge has started again so we’ve got that too. We love Saga, she is excellent. 

Mommy had to go and check on the Christmas cake, so I went to see Nick and watch some Pretty Little Liars. It surprises me that it was only filmed in 2010-11 (I’m still on season 1) as the phones seem really old and they dress really badly. Well, in my opinion. They do have nice hair though. And interesting love lives. Just any love life would be nice. 

The 19th & 20th; Annual Christmas trip to London!

The 19th of November. 

Long, exhausting day, but ultimately worth it because annual Christmas trip to London! Up super-early because we were getting the train in and they have been untrustworthy of late. The Queen was opening Grand Central today so naturally the security was up to the sky. Sniffer dogs, armed police with their giant machine guns and a policeman who asked about a “lift engineer” he understood to be on the premises but it sounded to me like code. Thankfully we left before the Queen arrived, so we got to London with no hassle!

A taxi took us to Harrods which he was delighted about because going East was awful. Always start in the food hall so I got Christmas coffee, a gingerbread elf, a fondant fancy Santa in a bed and a Harrods version of a chocolate cronut which I had to try to protect from being squished all day. We looked around the Christmas shop where I bought a little yeti who has a special little arm and I love him. We had lunch in The Tea Room where I had Welsh Rarebit and it was vast. There was a terrible family at next to us; the children behaved awfully and the parents were too rich to care. I gave them reproachful looks. 

We checked the Christmas shop for anything we’d missed, then got another cab to Liberty. Stationery, scarves, Christmas shop, haberdashery. Actually what I ended up buying was a flat white cup and saucer and a cappuccino cup and saucer from Acme which I was thrilled about because I didn’t think it could be bought for domestic use. I’m going to have the blue one now and I’m having the red one for Christmas. All the wool in the haberdashery was very tempting but I can get that elsewhere and I have enough wool right now. There wasn’t a huge amount for us in Liberty, so then we went up Oxford Street to Selfridges and that was our last stop. Bought a salt beef on rye from The Brass Rail to take home, and spent forever searching for water in a plastic bottle, which is impossible to find. I liked an Alexa Chung nail varnish but couldn’t find it on its own, and I liked a jumper in H&M which they didn’t have in a small! Despite that, it wasn’t an unsuccessful trip – I had a fun Christmas day with my momma. 

I sat opposite a super attractive man on the train home. If I’d been alone I might have spoken to him. 

The 20th of November. 

I am very sleepy today. I woke up a little bit woozy and light-headed from the Zopiclone I had last night, so I took it easy this morning. Nick was very chatty, so I had my breakfast but couldn’t go to him until I had written about yesterday. By the time I was finished, I went to give him a snuggle for about half an hour until I had to go out again. 

Daddy had left his computer glasses at home, so I went with Mommy to take Grandma home from Fellowship, then we took his specs to his work. It was not pissing it down with rain today, so I got a sausage from the German market. I only get them once a year, and they are so good. I always get them from the circular place at the top of the market – it is the original. Only got poffertjes left to eat now! I also got some 0.38 black Muji pens because I think I am running low. Running low on facewipes too and Superdrug had them on offer so I stocked up on those as well. 

When we got back, we caught up on last night’s Masterchef, then I went to see the chatty kitty. He still gets upset when I leave the room but I think it’s improving. He doesn’t mew for quite as long when I close the door now. 

The 17th & 18th; Poor kitty.

The 17th of November. 

I have had to spend my day looking after Nick who is very sad. While I was eating my breakfast I could just hear him doing constant tiny sad mews until I went in to see him. He will get used to it – he already had to say goodbye to two siblings and he was alright, so I’m sure he’ll be okay. 

I have literally only left him to eat. Blogged this morning, went to see Nick, ate lunch and did a bit of crocheting, back to Nick, now I’m back in the living room doing this and I can’t hear him mewing which is a good sign. 

I have booked The Savoy Grill for my birthday lunch but Christine can’t get the day off so I have to decide what want to do. Stupid work making her go to a conference. 

Oh, and I’m still coughing. Obviously. 

The 18th of November. 

Early morning. Haematology clinic. Got the wheelchair out of the car and turned it on to find it hadn’t been on charge so I only had half a battery which always feels like it depletes quickly. It was wavering between 1/4 and 1/2 by the time I’d driven up to the clinic building. We waited around there for an hour and a half until Ram called me in. Everything is fine, he’s going to nudge Andy Toogood about doing a good density scan so we can check on my spine, back to see him in three months. 

I didn’t trust the wheelchair to get me very far by the time we got back to the car, but I wanted to briefly pop into town, so we borrowed a manual chair from the Bullring shopmobility. I had been made aware of a shop that sells American fare, and I wanted to get some brownie batter Oreos. I plan to put them in my own brownies and they’re going to amazing. I was also craving a salty pretzel since the German markets are back in town so we braved the rain for one. 

Nick is still bereft. Sad, tiny mews coming from the back room. Poor kitty. 


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