The 1st & 2nd; I’d much rather have control over when and where I go.

February 3, 2014 — Leave a comment

The 1st of February.

Back to normal. Out of bed at half seven. Ugh. And I’ve only had two coffees today which is pretty restrained of me. I’m quite sleepy now though, and I’ve eaten a lot today. I’ve made a conscious decision that I’m not going to do this to myself; I’m not letting myself become anorexic again. I made this choice while in the Easter egg aisle at Tesco. We bought them today because they’re in stock and we always leave it too late, then I’m disappointed. I have an After Eights one.

Sadie took me for lunch at Yorks for my birthday today, and I had a ham, cheese and red onion marmalade sandwich and a dark chocolate and sea salt cookie. And a white hot chocolate. Mmm so good. We played the Tinder game which is my new favourite thing, although I do not get the “selfie with a tiger” thing that exists now? Had a few amusing people come up who I will not name. We had a good time.

The coffee machine keeps leaking and we know the source but not the reason. If our fix doesn’t work (Daddy’s done something with a bit of wire to conduct the direction of the water), I think we’re going to have to get a whole new one. The thing is, I don’t trust the De’Longhi brand now, but the Gaggia machines are a little bit expensive. I realise how that sounds, considering my recent expenditures. I am ridiculous.


The 2nd of February.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead. Heroin overdose, apparently. I don’t really know what to say about it. Mommy and I watched the end of The Bridge (spoiler alert: stop reading if you haven’t watched it yet) and Pernille shot herself when she knew she was going to die the way Viktoria did. At least Viktoria was already dying (she had cancer and about six months to live but was infected with a deadly virus that killed her much sooner). I would do as Pernille did, knowing what she’d go through. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. If I end up in hospital with an untreatable infection, I don’t want to die in intensive care, hooked up to a million different machines. I’d much rather have control over when and where I go. How I go. I’m still scared. I don’t want to go yet. But at least I have warning.

I woke up with a headache and heartburn, which wasn’t a great start to the day. Watched Sunday Brunch and The Bridge, read The Luminaries. Oscar is barely eating at all and I’m really worried about him but I’m just hoping he’s got a bit of a dodgy tummy and just needs to throw up and then be fine. I’m not sure I could cope with him dying. He’s not allowed to.

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