The 4th & 5th; It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he might die.

March 6, 2015 — 1 Comment

The 4th of March.

I feel much better today. Clearly just the antibiotics messing with my digestive system. Also my skin is calming down, so I think the rash that was attempting to appear was just a reaction to the drug and not GvHD. We’ll carry on with the steroid cream until it’s gone though. 

Today I’ve made all the bits for Oliver’s monkey, so I’ll sew him up tonight. I was planning on trying to have a little go on the exercise bike, but then Becky and James came over after work so we had cups of tea and talked about James’ new job (he has now moved down here to be an electrician at the university). 

So there isn’t much to say about today. I really want to get back into exercising, then I move and I’m reminded how totally shit my breathing is right now. I want to have muscles again please!

The 5th of March.

No matter how many times it happens (and believe me, it’s happened far more than it should have), I never find it gets any easier to hear about the death of someone I care about. 

Last night, a friend told me that her son wasn’t going to make it to the morning, and I just burst into floods of tears. Usually when someone is poorly, I am able to prepare myself a bit, although there is never a point at which one becomes ready. I wasn’t prepared to hear this news at all. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he might die. I have thought about it a lot, and I cannot think of anything that is worse than losing a child. Sometimes I think I’m lucky to not have to ever have the worry that it might happen to me. I just have to not think about the fact that it’ll happen to my parents.

It seems frivolous to even mention what I’ve done today because it was all pure distraction, like going to buy hamster food and Easter eggs. I did some cycling on the exercise bike.

Oh, I’m just so sad. I can only take comfort in the fact that his pain is over now. 

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You’ve come to journey’s end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You’re only sleeping

[Chorus]
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don’t say: “We have come now to the end”
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you’ll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

[Chorus]

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

One response to The 4th & 5th; It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he might die.

  1. 

    I am sorry for your loss and even more so for your friend. I can’t begin to imagine the pain she must be suffering. It is often not until we lose someone or are faced with the possibility of it, that we really appreciate them. I know that I need to treasure each moment with those I love more. Take care, I love seeing your menagerie! Sharon. X

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