The 18th of March.
I hate having emotional outbursts at doctors. I had haematology clinic this morning, so we arrived at ten, and for two and a half hours I read So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed and I’m two thirds through. Ram finally called me in at half twelve and we discussed my arms and the rash I’ve got and how this is all really messing with my mental health. Having looked at the rash, Ram doesn’t think it’s GvHD, he thinks it’s infection so I’ve got ten days of fluclox (more joy) and steroid cream, and hopefully one of the other week get it to bugger off. I went on quite a rant about how my swollen arms and the idea of steroids completely crush my self-esteem and make me totally depressed. This left him pretty speechless, and after some silence, he suggested I meet with Ang who runs the counselling service, so after we’d finished, I had a chat with her. I’m not sure if I’ll go for a full session yet. Oh also, I have a fan – a man came up to me while we were waiting and asked how I was doing, then proceeded to tell me how great and inspirational I am, and how he was going to tell his wife he’d met me. So that was nice to hear.
After a quick lunch when we got home at two, I was back at the gym. It takes me so long to do so little, because my rests take up so much of the time. So puny.
Tonight, I’ve given Daddy a Creme Egg to cheer him up, and Hamilton fell down the hole in his second floor where the ladder used to be. Must replace that.
The 19th of March.
Rest day today. I went to Black Sheep (Michaela has bought her salon and renamed it) to get my fringe trimmed at half past ten, then we went to Pets At Home to get a replacement ladder for Hamilton and some more wood for him to chew, then to M&S to get some more juice, a pretzel and other such exciting groceries.
This afternoon, I’ve done the body of a bunny and part of the head which I’ll probably finish tonight.
I am just really concerned that my rash is GvH, not some infection like Ram thinks. Obviously I’ll carry on with the antibiotics and steroid cream, but I think systemic steroids are probably inevitable. And that’s a crushing thought. I have literally just got my face back to its actual size, and it would be devastating to lose that again. I hate not looking like myself. I know it stems from my anorexia, and I don’t have a desire to lose weight anymore, but I have serious emotional problems with my body not looking the way it naturally ought to. I’m not asking for anything drastic, I just want my arms and face to be the right size! Is that so much?