The 9th of August.
I had a really terrible night, dreaming people were trying to murder me, then nobody wanted me around, then I was hiding in my bedroom when someone came to get me and my alarm went off and scared the shit out of me. My heart was pounding so fast.
Watched Sunday Brunch, painted my nails, washed my hair, ate lunch. Had one of the cookies we made yesterday. Daddy had been to Specsavers to pick up his single vision lenses because the varifocals he got won’t work for the computer, but these don’t work either! I don’t get how Specsavers can be so shit. Pah.
This afternoon, we went to see Inside Out. Many children again. The lava short at the beginning was sad but then cute, and the film itself was good. I nearly had a tiny cry, but I knew it would be okay. Bloody Pixar making me have all the feelings.
In the car on the way home, Daddy was talking about how I have different core memories from other people. I suppose he’s right. Up to 16, I’m “normal”, then everything changes. No A-levels, no university, no relationship. Instead I have cancer, liver failure, my near death and the deaths of my friends. Throwing up chunks of dead tissue, more funerals than I can count, the worst pain I’ve ever known.
But also my family loving me, people doing wonderful things for me, meeting my favourite people, getting to live some of my dreams. I have been really happy. Just not conventionally.
The 10th of August.
A slightly better night? I think I woke up less, certainly not as much dry mouth. I was up early because I wanted to go to pilates, but I had to call an hour before it started to reserve a place. I got there a little bit early and had a nice chat with Neil, put my stuff in a locker and went to wait with some other women. They’d brought their own mats but I was okay with one of the gym’s. It was a tough 45 minutes! My heart rate was between 160-180 for the majority of it so I really didn’t stay long after it was over. I had to take a break at one point to get my breath back but I was fine.
This afternoon, I’ve binge-watched Agent Carter while Mommy cross-stitched. I just want a little sleep. I should have started Vicky’s dinosaur but I was just not in the mood. Too sleepy.