The 10th of August.
Today the pain is much worse and I can’t really understand why. I’m up to 40mg of oxycontin and I was in the wheelchair a bit yesterday, but not to the extent that it would cause such an enormous step back. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve taken three oxynorm too but that hasn’t made a huge difference either. I don’t know. I’m so glad I’ve got clinic and the MRI next week, maybe I’ll get some help.
It hasn’t been a great day. I’m all tired and itchy from the drugs, I didn’t have a good sleep, and woke up to the news that we missed multiple medals overnight. This Olympics is not going spectacularly well so far. I’m hoping matters improve.
This afternoon, after I got involved with a hashtag on Twitter (why do I do this? It literally never ends well), some dickhead decided to make a meme insulting me. I know that kind of ridiculous bullshit is really not even worth my energy and I should just block people, but it still makes me feel shitty. I wouldn’t have been so bothered if it was the first time I’d seen it, but one of my followers sent me the same meme with different text asking if it was me. I got a bunch of notifications then from prickmonkeys liking it and replying, but I got the original tweet deleted and I thought that was the end of it. To see it again makes me worry that it might become a thing and I really don’t want my face being known on the internet for something that makes me feel shit about myself when I have things to say that are actually important.
I really feel like crying and I think that is what bothers me the most, because I am letting the arseholes get to me.
The 11th of August.
Oh my god I am so sleepy and itchy! I slept really badly, waking up in pain constantly and itching all over. From six o’clock onwards, I couldn’t really go back to sleep, so I watched some Fringe and got up just before eight. The pain was really awful this morning, just getting out of bed was hard, and I don’t get it. When getting dressed, I found my torso is covered in a rash – the itchiness has physically manifested and it is driving me insane. I want to rub up against a tree like a bear, but instead am using a spaghetti scoop as a back scratcher.
I’ve been sitting around all day waiting for the phone to ring, because we called the nurses this morning to talk about a) pain and b) I have run out of estrogen patches and I’ll need one for Saturday but I’m not in clinic until Wednesday – usually I have enough but my appointment got pushed back a week so I have no HRT. They were all on ward round this morning, and you never know when they’ll finish so I have just crocheted all day long. I got to the end of one ball of wool on the baby blanket in doing to find I’m definitely going to need two more balls to finish it, but the colour I’m using is sold out everywhere, so I’ve had to buy another shade and make it stripy. Then I started on an oversized jumper, but having done the first four rows, it was going to be stupidly large. I’ve unravelled it all and started again, knocking off twenty stitches. I hope I don’t regret it.
Some good news is that our Olympic performance has improved greatly. Many silvers and golds!