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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 11th & 12th; I just want to curl up.

The 11th & 12th; I just want to curl up.

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The 11th of November. A long day of much driving but a lovely afternoon at our destination.

We set out early as it's a good three hours to Wimbledon, where Hilary and Jeremy live. I took the opportunity to give the new Taylor Swift album a listen on the way - I like it, but I think I need time to love it. I also listened to the song from the trailer for The Greatest Showman multiple times - that, I love.

We arrived just after twelve, to find Christine had got there not long before us. We had a quick sit down in the living room, but before long, lunch was ready, so we went through to the table in the kitchen. It was a perfect day for cottage pie, and Jeremy was very appreciative when he joined us from his morning on the river.

After we'd finished, Peter and Sophie appeared with the twins! I was given Grace, who remained asleep for the entire visit, waking only to yawn and fart. Such a chilled baby. Henry was passed around everyone, I think - he likes to wriggle and gets uncomfortable, and he becomes tetchy when he is too warm. When he started to cry, they've learned that soon it is food time, so it was time for them to go home.

We stayed until about five, talking about Christine and Tilly's Morocco trip, our current kittens, and I found out that Jeremy's cousin is a Duke. Just casually drop that into conversation. We drove pretty much straight home, bar a stop for petrol, and the kittens were ready to climb the walls.

The 12th of November.

Good and bad night. Good, because I had a Zopiclone, so I had a pretty deep, unbroken sleep. Bad, because I dreamed that I was in hospital, my cancer had come back, I thought it was getting better when in fact it had spread everywhere and everyone had been lying to me about it.

Not a brilliant start to my day. Equally then not helped by me putting my leggings on inside out. Nitwit. Once they were on the right way round, I spent my morning typing up two blog posts. The second one was hard - to write, to edit, to share. I don't want to elicit any specific reaction, I'm just saying how I feel.

For lunch, we replicated Nigella's brie and parma ham toastie (minus the figs, ugh), then this afternoon, I sat and crocheted while watching The Blacklist. Then Mommy returned from Grandma's, and we've caught up with X Factor, Only Connect and Masterchef.

I am looking forward to bedtime, despite knowing that post-Zopiclone sleep is very hit and miss. I just want to curl up.

The 13th & 14th; Distraction from life garbage.

The 13th & 14th; Distraction from life garbage.

I am tired of grieving for lives I thought I'd have.

I am tired of grieving for lives I thought I'd have.