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Daily journal entries.

The 19th & 20th; So small.

August 21, 2017 — 1 Comment

The 19th of August. 

I can’t see this being a long entry. I woke up from a particularly horrific dream in which I was having some kind of scan, which I could see on a screen, and inside my belly was a catacombs made of my own teeth. It was very disturbing. 

This morning, I did a blog post while watching Saturday Kitchen. Then, the rest of my day was spent watching the other seven episodes of The Defenders, while I crocheted. Doing another doily. Mindless busy work. There was a brief, surreal interlude, in which a brass band marched down my street, playing a jazzy tune. I know it definitely happened because I filmed them as they walked away. 

The Defenders is very easy to binge watch. Sigourney Weaver goes full-on Theresa May in episode 6. Jessica Jones is still my favourite – I’m glad she’s getting a second season. 

Now, waiting on a kitten delivery. New floofs please.

The 20th of August. 

Oh lord the kittens are so small and cute. Harvey and Hugo are the babies, and Henrietta is the mum. She is very hissy and sighs with an alarming regularity, like she is utterly fed up. Must make her happier. Hugo is a scaredy cat, likes to cuddle up to his mum. I have petted him once. Harvey is my favourite because he is the smallest and he loves being stroked and played with. We have had a great time today. 

This morning was the usual, Sunday Brunch, watching Katherine school Tim and Simon on their casually sexist line of questioning. Plus popping in to see the kitties every so often. My cat whispering skills are going to be required with the two reticent ones. 

After lunch, I split my time between cat petting and crocheting. I have to be careful, going in to sit with them, because I lose time – I can just sit and stare at them for ages. So small. I wish they could stay this tiny forever. 

The 17th of August. 

I needed to smell the sea. 

It’s now a tradition that we go on a coastal holiday each year, but this year it didn’t really happen. Our time in Shaldon wasn’t blessed with great weather or health on my part so there were no seaside excursions. I feel like it does me good to be near the ocean, to smell the salt in the air and feel the sun, so while Daddy has been off this week, I proposed we have a trip to a beach. Today was our only available day, so off we went to Weston-super-Mare. 

We arrived about half twelve and joined the queue of people searching for a car park. Thankfully the parking fairy was with us, and we found a space on the street where we could park for free with the blue badges. Mommy had done some research into good fish and chip places, and had seen one called Winston’s which appeared to be pretty reputable. It was an excellent choice; the batter on the fish was really crispy and the chips weren’t too greasy, so if you ever do a trip, I recommend it. 

We them walked/drove all the way to the top of the beach, enjoying all the fun dogs that people had brought with them – always a bonus of the seaside. Once there was no more beach, we turned around and went back to the car, stopping for ice cream on the way. That was all I needed. 

We drove home via the Gloucester services, stopping for coffee and a small amount of shopping. Lots of traffic. My back hurts. Worth it though.

The 18th of August. 

Oof I am tired. Two busy days, now I need a proper lie-in. It would be good if I could fall asleep before one am. Bah. 

This morning, I wrote up the blog post of my anniversary day, and wrote about yesterday. Then I went to get that PetPlan forms from the cat room so I could fill in the paperwork for Betty’s adoption this afternoon. 

We had lunch while catching up on Wednesday’s Celebrity Masterchef, and shortly after it finished, Michael, Betty’s new owner, arrived. 

We ticked the various boxes and signed in appropriate places, then went to get Betty into the carrier. She was not keen, so we had to chuck a lot of Dreamies in so she could have the door shut behind her. Get some more tomorrow!

This afternoon, I watched the first episode of The Defenders, then some Buffy while using up wool crocheting a mandala from my new book. I keep getting pain in my fat arm, like my vessels are being squeezed. I see Andrew on the 31st. We’ll chat about it all then. 

The 15th of August. 

Quiet day in the Cartwright household – I’m on my own because Mommy and Daddy took Grandma up north to see Aunty Audrey, so it’s been a day of carbs, crochet and crime drama. Well, only a little bit of crime drama but I enjoyed the alliteration. 

This morning I did a blog post and watched the last three episodes of Glow. I finished off the little teddy, but because the wool is mainly pink, it looks more like a pig than a bear. 

I sorted myself out some lunch, and had got engrossed in trying to de-pig the bear when the doorbell rang. I had a chap coming to view Betty and had completely lost track of time. I let him in and took him to see her – very much your average viewing, as she is an excellent kitty and showed herself off to the best of her ability. They’ve had a cat for twenty years so I know they can look after one. Just got to confirm, but I’m pretty sure we’ve found Betty a home!

Since then, I have been trying to write a blog post for tomorrow. It will be ten years to the day since I was diagnosed with leukaemia, since this all started. What a decade it has been. 

The 16th of August. 

Happy 10 year anniversary to me!

It has been a lovely day. I had a good sleep, woke up at an acceptable time, and had my breakfast and coffee while I put together a blog post about the day. I put my new charm on my Pandora bracelet, which I think we can now say is full. Convenient – ten years is a nice round time to stop. 

I wanted to make cinnamon buns, so when Mommy got back from Grandma’s, I printed out a recipe I’d found to make them in 45 minutes and we gave it a go! To be fair, Mommy did most of the work, and I did the easy bits, like sprinkling the cinnamon sugar all over the dough. When they came out of the oven, I poured the icing over the top, and let them cool while we ate our lunch. We tore them apart for pudding and have to say, they have been a success!

This afternoon, I went to Black Sheep to get my hair dyed. I had taken inspiration from Love Symbol #2, the colour Pantone released to honour Prince, and mixed it with a dark teal. I have unintentionally matched my glasses and sunglasses. No bleach today, so it didn’t take very long, so there was time to come home and get changed before going out for dinner. 

We went to Water’s at Resorts World, because we’ve known Andy for a long time and know he doesn’t do weird food. I ordered a peach and passionfruit bellini, and set about perusing the menu. I decided to go for a saffron risotto with chorizo and deep-fried squid to start, and a marinated duck breast with spring onions, creamed potato and pak choi to follow. While we waited, we were given tiny tomato soups as an amuse bouche which was delicious. I love bonus food. My risotto was really good, although quite filling, so I had to leave more than I would have liked because I had more food to fit in. I was very glad I did, because my duck was excellent, soft and pink, and I’d been worried that it might have been spicy but I had no trouble. At this point, I had to stop – there was no more room in my belly. I think if we go back I’ll skip the starter and have a dessert instead because Mommy and Daddy were both delighted with theirs. 

I’m very tired and very full and very grateful to be alive.

The 13th of August. 

I love Zopiclone. I had some last night and for once it actually worked; it wasn’t hours before I fell asleep, and I stayed asleep all night long. Curiously, I remember one of my dreams, which I don’t normally when I have drugs – we smeared Grandma’s head in jelly to make her warm. 

So I slept in, which was delightful, and after breakfast, I wrote up a blog post. And now we know we saw the last race Usain Bolt won. Even if it was a heat. And Mommy is extra glad she’s got tickets to see Mo next weekend at the Alexander Stadium. 

This afternoon, I needed to get away from the horrors of life (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re not paying enough attention), so I went upstairs, and I listened to James Acaster being interviewed by Richard Herring at Edinburgh which made me laugh so much, I can’t wait to see him again this autumn. Then I went to watch the final episode of Orphan Black with Betty, which made me do a small cry, but it was for happy reasons, not sad. 

I have felt much less terrible today. Less tired, less pain, less burping. All round improvement. 

The 14th of August. 

Normal sleep service has resumed, it seems. No drugs last night. Suddenly realised this morning that Becky and James’ wedding anniversary is tomorrow and we hadn’t got them cards. So, after Mommy had been to do the food shop that didn’t happen at the weekend, we went into Sutton to get some. While there, I bought some lip balms because mine is about to run out, and some nail varnish remover, then we got cards. 

Back home, we had lunch, then Becky and Jamie appeared with gifts to say thank you for feeding their cats while they’ve been away. Jamie should have been on his way back to Strasbourg, but he missed all his trains. He should be on his plane now, if everything this afternoon went to plan. We can but hope. 

Since then I have been crocheting a tiny teddy with the remaining pretty baby wool. I’ve actually finally had a good idea for what to give Pete and Sophie for their twins, and after talking to her this morning, I have a very up to date idea for when they’re likely to be born, so I don’t need to rush. 

The 11th of August. 

I have felt like total shit all day. It took me hours to go to sleep again, although at least I had no headache this time. 

This morning, I did a blog post, and I tidied up the blanket. Generally though, I have been curled up, trying to decide what to make for Pete and Sophie’s twins, and trying to ignore the fact that I am cold, tired and still full of wind. Indelicate I know, but it’s so frustrating how you can start burping after breakfast, eat multiple Rennies, yet still be massively uncomfortable come the evening.

I am considering taking Zopiclone tonight – maybe just one tablet, because I have to get up at stupid time tomorrow and I need to be properly conscious. I really hope I don’t feel quite so terrible in the morning, because I would like to enjoy the trip. 

The 12th of August. 

Phew. Pooped. Been up since five but it has been worth it. I have been a bit burpy and in some pain but I’m okay. 

So yes. The same way as last week, we bought breakfast and coffee at the station, and our journey down was largely uneventful, save for us having to move the man who was in our seats. Obviously the Euston people were nowhere to be seen when we arrived, so we got off on our own and sped down the road to St. Pancras. We almost missed our javelin train, but I got a seat, then a lot of evil looks from older women who had to stand. 

No messing about with the lifts in Westfield today; we went up in the car park and found Christine in the same place as a week ago. We made our way to our seats, but upon arrival, found the space full of fridges, so we had been reallocated. However, that was absolutely fine because we moved to seats halfway down the home straight which were way better!

First up we had the 110m hurdles in the decathlon, and in every single race at least one person fell over. Then we had some important races – the 4×100 and 4x400m relays, men and women. Our team got through to the finals of all, and we did lots of shouting and clapping, but what was most exciting was seeing Usain Bolt come out to do the heat, because he wasn’t expected to. Mommy absolutely lost her shit – I have never seen her more thrilled. It’s so funny, listening to the cheers follow the runners round the track. Less funny is when they tried to make us all sing Hey Jude, because nobody knew the words. Argh. 

We left after the 4×400, once we knew our guys were through as fastest losers. Since we’d had so much time spare last week, we went to Westfield for a leisurely lunch, and had pizza at Francis Manca. I would recommend, because their crust is soft, doughy and delicious. 

Needed some green juice and caffeine so went to Pret, then bade farewell to Christine and began the trek back across London. Euston team actually got us on the train in a timely fashion, and I listened to the new Kesha album all the way home. 

The 9th of August. 

Well, I had a terrible night. It took me hours to fall asleep, then I woke up multiple times, too cold, couldn’t get comfortable. It is ridiculous that in August I am having to use my electric blanket. 

This morning, after a breakfast of porridge (weather appropriate), I wrote up a blog post, then I made the last two squares of the blanket. I think twenty is enough, once it has a border as well. 

I managed to spend almost all of my afternoon looking at the squares, at books and magazines, then back at the squares, trying to figure out how to join them. Tried various ways and eventually chose one, so I’ve joined six of them so far. This part will be tedious. 

Hope I have a better sleep tonight – up early for hospital tomorrow. 

The 10th of August. 

Another weird night – ages to go to sleep, then I woke at six with a horrific headache on the right side of my head, but it seemed to abate when I lay on my left. I had to get up at seven anyway and I was still getting pangs of pain, very reminiscent of the pressure headaches I used to get when I had the arm/face swelling and high blood pressure. I’m taking some co-codamol upstairs tonight in case it strikes again. 

Dr. Thompson was running pretty much to time this morning, so I didn’t have much chance to read my book. I really must try harder, because whenever I do pick it up, I want to advance the story. I really ought to just try reading it when I know I’ll have time. Anyway, I let him know how things had been since the venoplasty (arm the same, breathing slightly better) and he thinks next time I come I should do some tests so I’ll look forward to that. 

Nothing to do but come home, so I got busy assembling the blanket. I have sat in the armchair all afternoon, sewing squares together, then columns, then across the rows, then one border, and finally a second border. Now I just have to close up the gaps between the corners and weave in some ends and it’ll be done!

Oh and I have an appointment at the lymphoedema clinic, a week after I see the liposuction lady. I have to fill in a survey about my “quality of life”. Ha. 

The 7th of August. 

Still some pain today, but not quite as much. I had a decent enough sleep, but I’m still tired too. Too much activity for me for one day; my body is taking its time to recover. I’ve got very little on this week, just respiratory clinic and we’re back down to London this Saturday to do it all again. I will, at least, not have a gig to go to, so I can just rest when we get home. 

I spent most of my day working on blog posts, typing up the 3rd to the 6th, then uploading all the photos and culling the shit ones. Got to decide if I take my camera again this week, or if I take a different lens. We’re sitting in a different place so I need to work out what we’ll be able to see. 

I think I finished about half two, then I made two more squares of blanket while watching some more Glow. I’ll have to lay them out to work out how many I’m going to have to do. 

Tomorrow, I think I’ll stop the pregablin. A week of the double dose has done nothing but make me sleepy, burpy and hungry. The hunger is fucking me up because part of anorexia recovery is learning to feed yourself when you’re hungry, but now I’m having to ignore the hunger, tell myself it’s just the drug, and it’s so confusing. 

The 8th of August. 

Back to pretty much normal levels of pain today. I’ve binned off the pregablin because it has done fuck all for two weeks. I’ll be going back to see Dr. Blaney and we’ll discuss steroid injections. Stupid spine. 

Today has just been crocheting squares for the blanket. I did two or three this morning, in between visits to the kitchen to check on baking progress, because we made chocolate, ginger and sesame cookies and chocolate cupcakes with coffee frosting filling. 

After lunch, had a quick hairwash (very little colour is left in my hair now), then Mommy went to Grandma’s and I got back to crocheting. I’ve now got sixteen squares and I watched all the daytime crime dramas Sky Living has to offer. I think I’ll do four more and see how it looks. I don’t want the baby to grow out of it straight away!