The 21st of June. I forget how tired I get on steroids. Waking up at quarter to five is draining, and coffee can only perk me up so many times. They're are so debilitating. I'm exhausted, and every day I see my face getting rounder, making me hate my appearance, not only for aesthetic reasons, but because it is a constant reminder that my body doesn't work properly and is weak and vulnerable, no matter how strong I might feel. I could still wake up in excruciating pain tomorrow.

This morning I organised my underwear drawer and worked out (selectively) during Saturday Kitchen. I didn't do anything too strenuous on my chest. Then I read the weekend paper and had lunch, and have slowly deflated over the course of the afternoon.

James came round to borrow some garden implements as they're working on the pond again, which I imagine was great fun in the sun.

Oh, fuck it, I'm going to have lorazepam tonight. My energies are completely sapped and I have no need to remember tomorrow so it really doesn't matter if I am completely out of it.

Fiona had her baby! I'm so excited to meet her.

The 22nd of June.

Well at least we know lorazepam works. I had a good 3mg before I lay down last night and although it took a little while to kick in, I was then zonked until about nine and that was just fine.

I spent my morning in my pyjamas, drinking vast amounts of coffee and not communicating much because there's no point on a lorazepam day. After Sunday Brunch, I got Mommy to wash my hair and I got dressed. I had some soup for lunch, then this afternoon, got really stuck in to the urge to delete a load of apps from my phone as I felt overwhelmed by them.

I ended up going through my hard drives too, making sure I know what's on each one. And because my brain is in such a fuzz, I couldn't care less about how dull it's been.

I've just had to set myself a reminder on my phone to say YOU CHANGED THINGS ON YOUR PHONE OK?

Tonight I can't watch anything I need to remember.

Oh, I am possibly bleeding again? I will be monitoring this.

New kitty pyjamas!