The 10th of October.  Oh everything can just fuck off. I have spent the entire day waiting for parcels and cats and got neither. 

I checked on my Hermes delivery email for my Uniqlo order and it said at 17:59 last night that the courier would re-attempt delivery today, which hasn't happened. My wool is also supposed to have been out for delivery today since half past seven and that has equally not materialised. Looking up Hermes on Google/Twitter just throws one into even deeper despair because they are utterly shit. I am going to have to spend Monday complaining furiously if I ever want to receive the things I ordered. 

And the kittens issue is just people not communicating. I texted Shaki but she had no news and promised to chase it up, but then four hours later I'd still heard nothing, so I phoned Sheila. She was very unimpressed with the situation age rang Lynn (who currently has the kittens I was supposed to get) and Shaki, and Shaki eventually rang me back. She had apparently texted me but her phone died before it had sent. Basically, the kittens haven't even had their second vaccinations yet so I don't know why I was ever told they'd be coming today, and one might be being viewed this week. So they may come next Sunday but I won't get my hopes up. 

I feel it's appropriate that on World Mental Health Day, my depression is in full force, making me feel completely worthless. 

The 11th of October. 

I am in the sort of mood in which I don't want to interact with anyone because it will just make me feel worse. I am angry with the world for being unfair and with people for making it even more so. I am upset with the government and how powerless I feel, and I am genuinely afraid for the NHS and in turn my own life when things inevitably go south. 

I am scared to try to move forward with my life because I find it impossible to envision a future for myself. I stopped having goals a long time ago. Trying to live independently doesn't feel like an option because as well as I feel right now, winter is drawing in and it's only a matter of me picking up the wrong gems and the 24/7 oxygen cylinders are back in use. 

I just can't see how I can live any sort of life that's worthwhile. Where would I even begin?