Get myself a brand new shiny website and immediately go and abandon it, don't I? Apologies, things got rather dramatic around here. On the 22nd of September, I woke up with intense pain in my liver - I recognised it immediately as the same pain I experienced five years ago when I got klebsiella and was told I'd need a second liver transplant. We came to A&E, still in my pyjamas, where I remember being in desperate agony, ready to crawl onto the floor in hopes to try to find some sort of comfortable position. A doctor came to get some blood from me, at which point I threw up and that told us that things weren't working in my digestive system because it was dinner from several days ago. Some IV paracetamol helped, but then after that the pain kicked back in and that is when I go blurry. I know I got taken to the liver ward, where I was given a morphine PCA, but then I got over-opiated and had to have that forcibly withdrawn which was excruciating. Honestly, I don't quite know the series of events, but at some point my blood pressure fell down a well, my kidney function went in the toilet, and I ended up in ICU for ten days. I got a femoral line put in, a catheter, I was on dialysis. I don't have much memory of what happened in there; all I recall is pain, not being able to breathe properly, and begging anyone and everyone to let me die. I wanted them to put me in a coma, despite knowing my risks of ventilation, or for my parents to bring my supply of Zopiclone in so I could take them all. All I wanted was to die, because I just couldn't see a way out of my agony. I can't imagine how it must have been for my family, watching me go through this. I'm so glad my brain has protected me from what went on. 

Today I am being discharged and I can sleep in my own bed. I've been back on the liver ward for a week, having escaped ICU in the middle of Bake Off's pastry week. Once again, Dr. Shah is amazed by my "miraculous recovery". I don't know how I've survived again. It hit me during Doctor Who that I could have died, and I spent the last ten minutes of it crying. I don't want to die. I'll get back to updating regularly now, but it's going to be a slow convalescence - I have lost so much muscle mass, I can't even stand up without a zimmer frame to lean on. God knows what I weigh at the moment. I'm going to make my way back.