The 7th of August. 

Still some pain today, but not quite as much. I had a decent enough sleep, but I’m still tired too. Too much activity for me for one day; my body is taking its time to recover. I’ve got very little on this week, just respiratory clinic and we’re back down to London this Saturday to do it all again. I will, at least, not have a gig to go to, so I can just rest when we get home. 

I spent most of my day working on blog posts, typing up the 3rd to the 6th, then uploading all the photos and culling the shit ones. Got to decide if I take my camera again this week, or if I take a different lens. We’re sitting in a different place so I need to work out what we’ll be able to see. 

I think I finished about half two, then I made two more squares of blanket while watching some more Glow. I’ll have to lay them out to work out how many I’m going to have to do. 

Tomorrow, I think I’ll stop the pregablin. A week of the double dose has done nothing but make me sleepy, burpy and hungry. The hunger is fucking me up because part of anorexia recovery is learning to feed yourself when you’re hungry, but now I’m having to ignore the hunger, tell myself it’s just the drug, and it’s so confusing. 

The 8th of August. 

Back to pretty much normal levels of pain today. I’ve binned off the pregablin because it has done fuck all for two weeks. I’ll be going back to see Dr. Blaney and we’ll discuss steroid injections. Stupid spine. 

Today has just been crocheting squares for the blanket. I did two or three this morning, in between visits to the kitchen to check on baking progress, because we made chocolate, ginger and sesame cookies and chocolate cupcakes with coffee frosting filling. 

After lunch, had a quick hairwash (very little colour is left in my hair now), then Mommy went to Grandma’s and I got back to crocheting. I’ve now got sixteen squares and I watched all the daytime crime dramas Sky Living has to offer. I think I’ll do four more and see how it looks. I don’t want the baby to grow out of it straight away!

The 5th of August.

Oh god such a long day. I am in so much pain. I got up at ten to five because we had to be at New Street for twenty to seven, and that is too early for a Saturday. When we got there, we bought coffee and breakfast pastries, then sat in the assistance office until it was train time.

Arriving at Euston, we did not have time to wait for even five minutes for the ramp, so we just sorted ourselves out. Bought lunch from Pret, and a coffee to put in the thermos for later (Olympic Park coffee is vile). Then we bombed down the road to St. Pancras and got on the javelin to Stratford. I got the last seat, by sheer dumb luck. Thankful, because I can’t stand for six minutes. Upon arrival, we had to join the queue of wheelchairs for the lift, then had to navigate Westfield, trying to find a way to get to the corner of John Lewis where we were meeting Christine. The first lift was broken, and marshals didn’t know where we should go, so we ended up going all the way to the other end of the mall to find a working lift, then doubled back so we could finally get on the correct route and meet Christine. Found her, then joined the crowds heading for the Olympic Stadium. Got settled in our seats, in the disabled position just above the start line, so we had a great view of that, plus some of the heptathlon events that were going on.

For most of the morning, my eyes were killing me, and there was a freezing cold wind which I couldn’t seem to find respite from from, despite even putting up an umbrella to use as a windbreak, so I couldn’t enjoy myself as fully as I might have. I saw a lot through my camera lens, between drowning my eyes in drops and screwing them up tight. At one point, I wanted to drink the coffee we’d brought in, so I poured some out only to find it tasted really weird. I drank a bit more, then remembered that the woman behind us at Pret had ordered a soy milk cappuccino. We must have got that. No wonder it tasted so disgusting.

We saw lots of events – no finals, just heats, but it’s always fun to shout at people to run faster, and groan with everybody in the crowd when someone knocks the high jump bar down. It was so sad when KJT hit the bar on her final attempt, and we all watched her curl up in a ball on the mat, poor thing. We all felt it.

The weather made things interesting; we had several showers, and as we left, some huge rumbles of thunder. I’d been covered in the giant wheelchair poncho, so didn’t get wet when the rain came. We weren’t herded the way we were after the Anniversary Games, so we got back to Stratford much quicker than we expected. Started talking to a couple on the platform who also had a wheelchair, to find that their son is having a stem cell transplant this week! Tried to share the successes of my life to give them hope. No liver failure chat for first-timers.

We arrived at St. Pancras just after two, so had just over an hour before we needed to be at Euston. I suggested we go to Origin to have an actual nice coffee, so that took up a good half an hour, then we scooted down the rest of the round.

We picked up some reading material for the train, plus some Pom Bears, then off to the assistance office again! We’d barely sat down before we were sent to the platform, despite our train not departing for nearly thirty five minutes. We were told the chap would meet us with the ramp, so we waited out in the freezing wind for him to appear. After ten minutes, there was no one, so I rang to check the situation, and she said he was coming. We waited another ten minutes, and still nothing, so we hauled the chair on to the train, only to find the wheelchair position floor was covered in food and some other crap. I didn’t really feel like covering my wheels in that, so we folded up the chair and I sat next to Mommy. This turned out to be a smart move, because a couple got on the train with an old Westie who sat under the chair in front of me so I had a dog friend for the journey home! Then we picked up some pizzas for dinner and have about an hour in the house before I have to go out again for Regina Spektor tonight. Busy busy busy.

The 6th of August.

So. Tired. So. Much. Pain.

Regina Spektor was beautiful last night. She was, frustratingly, half an hour late on, but was so charming and brilliant, I forgave her. I never thought I’d hear Us live and it was so gorgeous. She is one of few singers who are just as good as their record if not better in person. And I was spotted by Hayley from school so we caught up afterwards which was delightful.

I am very tired now though. I got to bed after midnight, and slept until ten. I’ll still be having an early night tonight I think. Plus my back hurts all over, and my neck, and my bum. Having zero fat on there means sitting on non-padded seats all day leaves me in much, much pain.

This morning, once I was actually up, I wrote about yesterday, which was a long one. I’ll have lots of blog work to do tomorrow – got to get the photos off my camera before I do a post as well.

After lunch, I crocheted. Just crocheted squares for Michaela’s baby blanket and watched the new Orphan Black, which made me do a small cry.

We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not ’cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labour you can keep

We’re living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We’re living in a den of thieves
And it’s contagious

The 3rd of August.

I didn’t get a huge amount of sleep last night. At least, not good quality sleep. I got some bad news just before I went to bed, so that was rolling around in my head all night.

This morning, I did a blog post, then I had a chiro appointment at half past eleven. Time for Trine to stretch out my back, try to get some relief because the pregablin is still not helping. I’m not sure if the double dose is also making me sleepy or if that’s because of the bad night. Ugh. We went into Sutton briefly so I could get some spray-in colour for my hair, because a lot of the dyed bits have been chopped off. I’m not seeing Saskia until mid-August, so I needed something very temporary to tide me over, stop me feeling boring.

After lunch, Mommy helped me with the hair spraying, then she went to Grandma’s and I started work on a blanket for Michaela’s baby while I watched Glow. Living up to the twenty-something grandma stereotype. Testing out different kinds of granny square because I’m that cool.

I’m tired. I want to go back to bed.

The 4th of August.

Bree is gone! Belle now; her new owner is a fan of Beauty and the Beast. They arrived shortly after ten, with the grandson in a much better mood, and a cardboard cat carrier for temporary use. Bree did not want to go – she kept leaping out of the top before I could get it closed; I had to chase her round the room and shove her in which was awful and I hated it but she was okay afterwards – she had some of her toys and a blanket that Betty has been sleeping on. Fingers crossed.

I did the Catalog admin that comes post-adoption, and went to do other kittens that have been done, to find them not on the list where they should have been. I subsequently found them in the system, with the adoption bit already having been done. I found out Nicole has been doing them which she is not supposed to, because she doesn’t have all the information. I have asked her to stop doing that please, so hopefully that sorts it out.

This afternoon, Daddy and I went to see Valerian. It’s quite a fun film – Cara Delevingne pretty much carries the plot. I like that her character is cool and badass, but Valerian is still her boss despite being an asshole and pretty stupid, which pissed me off. I also didn’t like their flirty relationship because I think they look like siblings. The film did not need to end with them banging against a window.

The 1st of August. 

I am very tired because I woke up at ten past six for no reason, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’ve had three coffees, but the caffeine has worn off and now I am weary again. 

I didn’t get up upon waking; I stayed in bed, listening to the radio for a while. When I did get out of bed, I did a blog post, and I phoned around for an appointment with somebody about my arm. I’m going to see a surgeon who does various procedures for lymphoedema, and she’s obviously very busy because the earliest I could see her is mid-September! Still, it’s before the clinic, and I need this fixing. 

I was at Black Sheep at 11.45 to get my hair cut. I saw June, as Michaela’s off until October, and now my back and sides are super short, with the top long. The last time the clippers were used so much on my hair was when we shaved it pre-chemo on my kitchen floor. Ah, memories!

After lunch, I went into town with Mommy who was giving blood. While she did that, I went shopping – I bought a skirt from Oasis, some wool from John Lewis, and I had a brow consultation at Benefit. I really had no idea what to do or use, and now I do! Then I got a text from Mommy who was finished, and we came home to find the towels that had been drying were wet again. British summer. 

The 2nd of August. 

I was woken up today by Daddy phoning me to find out where Mommy was. I didn’t know, because I had been asleep (she was here, just not near her phone), but I was glad he’d woken me because I’d been having a horrible dream in which Christine had got drunk and had sex in my bed, then she’d drawn all over my bedroom walls and I was trying to erase it, but everyone thought I was overreacting and her behaviour was fine which was really frustrating! Stupid brain. 

My day has been spent crocheting and assembling the panda. I finished off the body this morning, then we had lunch and watched last night’s Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. Then this afternoon, I made the arms, ears, tail and scarf, then I put him all together! He is very cute but might look a bit terrifying to a new baby. I hope not. 

I have been needing lots of Rennies recently because my tummy is full of wind and I suddenly realised it might be to do with pregablin. Looked at the side effects and yep. Also it’s why I’m so much hungrier. Still not helping the pain. 

Had a lady come and see Bree with her daughter and grandson. They fell in love, and the little boy started crying when he realised they couldn’t take her home today! Bless.

The 30th of July. 

Not quite one’s average Sunday. The morning was fairly standard – Sunday Brunch, blog post. This week’s comedian pal appearing on the show was Joel, who ate some chips in order to make Nish lose a wager. 

After taking Grandma home from church, Mommy and I went into Sutton to get Pandora charms for today and August. I also got a chocolate dreamcake Krispy Kreme because it’s a day to celebrate. In the end, I went for the anchor charm at Pandora, because they describe it as the “symbol of hope” and hope was all we had at that point. My chances were 20% of 20%, which works out at 4%, and yet somehow, nine years since my second stem cell transplant, I am still here. 

When we got back, we had lunch, and I spoke to a girl who is interested in adopting Betty. She actually happened to be very near my house when we talked, so she came round straight away. Betty was her usual charming self, coming straight up and purring away like a champion. It seemed to go well; she’s gone away to think about it and fingers crossed she wants her. 

The 31st of July. 

My brain was very busy in the night, dreaming about all sorts of things. 

This morning, I worked on the panda head while communicating with Philippa to find out if James had sent my referral to the lymphoedema clinic. She said it had definitely gone, so then I rang the clinic who confirmed that they’d received it, but I won’t get an appointment until October! SIGH. I’m going to have to find someone else to see because I can’t do nothing for another two months. 

After lunch, I went up to the QE to see Dean. He was starting his chemo today so it was a good day to go before he starts feeling too ghastly. Although he wasn’t feeling wonderful today, bless him. Issues with chemo timing hadn’t helped, and pharmacy were being dreadful – his chemo was meant to be at one, but it still hadn’t appeared on the ward when I left at twenty to five. He is taking his mum to see Miss Saigon tonight and I really hope they got there because he’s been looking forward to this for ages. It was nice to meet his mum and younger brother; I have heard much about them so it was nice to have faces to put to names. 

Tonight I’m off to Denise’s for a Cats Protection meeting to try to work out what we’re going to do about homing. 

The 28th of July. 

I actually had a thing today – endocrine clinic, but I’d forgotten to put it in my diary. Thankfully, Mommy had it in hers, so we didn’t miss it. 

Andy Toogood usually runs pretty well to time, and today was no exception, so I got very little of my book read. He called me in shortly after half eleven, and I updated him on my current state. There’s nothing he can do about any of it but he needs to know these things. He did want some bloods to check my thyroid function, so I did that, then we had a quick trip into town. I needed to stock up on facewipes, and Mommy wanted to get her glasses tightened up a bit. We went our separate ways, and I searched all the aisles of Superdrug, but it think they’ve stopped stocking the range I use. Curses. So I bought some other ones and some toothpaste, and had a very entertaining time in the queue – a child in front was being a dick, doing fake crying because he couldn’t have some mint imperials. Then, when I had to pay, he was blocking my way, and refused to move. The woman with him (grandmother?) couldn’t get him to move until she physically moved him, and she apologised to me a lot. As I left, I heard her say “That’s it, I’m not taking you to McDonald’s now.” Bwahahaha. 

This afternoon, I have been assembling the minion. I got the arms and legs on, but when it came to attaching the eye, it was too big, so I’ve had to make it again with a smaller hook and it looks a lot more promising. 

The 29th of July. 

Finished the minion and season 2 of Zoo. What a productive person I am. 

Started my day with a phone call from Black Sheep to rearrange my hair cut appointment because Danyl has left! Don’t know why, he’s just gone. So June is going to cut it instead. Mysterious. Then I finished the minion’s face and took some photos to send to Robyn and Stu, who were greatly appreciative. Then I wrote up the blog post I forgot to do yesterday, and sorted out what I need for the panda. 

Lunch (pretzel and cinnamon swirl, thank you M&S), then this afternoon has been spent on the last three episodes of Zoo (had a tiny cry) and began work on the panda. He does not contain an immense amount of black and is less tricky than the minion so won’t be as hard as I thought.

I have also been trying to find a Pandora charm that is appropriate for tomorrow. I found a toy soldier, because I am a brave soldier? These links are getting very tenuous now but there is not much I haven’t thought of in ten years. 

The 26th of July. 

Industrious day. 

I had a rather confusing start to the day, because first my brain thought it was Sunday, then that it was half past ten, neither of which were true. After registering what day and time it actually was, I got up and dressed for a day which appeared like it was going to be chilly, when actually this afternoon it’s got quite warm. I don’t know what’s going on, frankly. 

I did a blog post, then got the minion out, which I’ve been working on most of the day. I have now finished the dungarees and all the embroidery on them. Now I have several small details to make – limbs, eye, etcetera. I have nothing to do but work on him so I don’t think it’ll take long before he is finished. Then panda, thing for Michaela’s daughter, things for Pete and Sophie’s twins. Going to be a busy woman. 

The 27th of July. 

I can tell I’ve been busy because my phone battery is still up at 80% and I haven’t had it on charge at all. So much crochet. 

That is literally all I have done today. Sat down in the living room this morning, got the wool out and haven’t really moved since. I have actually finished all of the pieces of the minion – today I made all the fingers, thumbs, arms, feet, legs, eye, lens and strap. Next job is to attach them all to the body, then he will be whole! I’m not sure I will make another one – the fingers were quite tricky, especially because they were in black and that is really hard to see the loops in. Next thing I have to make is the panda – more black, hooray!

I have tried the pregablin again and today it has not made me too sleepy or breathless. Hopefully tomorrow is the same. It’s not worked on the pain at all, but if I can cope with the drug, then I can up the dose and see if it works.