Archives For eyes

The 27th of November.

Another rather festive day for me!

Got up a little earlier than usual because Mommy and I were going into town so she could give blood and we could do a little bit of Christmas shopping. Her appointment wasn’t until quarter past eleven, but we went in early to return some Zara dresses and the queue in there can be very slow. We escaped with a bit of time to spare, and my plan was to go to the Hotel Chocolat café to have a salted caramel and clementine hot chocolate while I waited, so she came too for a few minutes.

While I drank, I perused the Pandora catalogue for the right charms for my two December anniversaries. I eventually settled upon the two owls for the 19th and the reindeer at night for the 21st. When she came back, we went to buy them, then to Irregular Choice. They have some shoes that I want for Christmas but I’m not sure what size I am, so I wanted to try some on. The girl working there was very helpful, and she found similar shoes in what we thought were the right size for me to try. They were good, so I have an email alert set up and they’ll call me if they get any stock in. Next was Selfridges for me to get something for Daddy, and to check if Huda have changed their drawers. They haven’t, but I spoke to the woman in charge and she was hoping a delivery downstairs was new drawers! But if it wasn’t, they’re aware of the issue and are trying to fix it. Our last stop was John Lewis because I wanted to check if their haberdashery had any chain for a necklace but no luck.

Then home! I had some cheese on toast as the weather demanded it while we sped through the X Factor (hooray for Kevin! Although we don’t want him to win as that rarely ends well). After that, more crochet, although that was limited by my left eye being excruciating for most of the day.

The 28th of November.

I have a feeling that many entries from now until Christmas will involve me sitting and crocheting. I have so much to do! Making at least four different things and some are quite intricate so I have much more work ahead of me.

Today has been rather productive on several counts – I got a blog post done, spoke to both the secretaries I needed to, and had a fairly long conversation with Emma from Anthony Nolan about a cool thing that I am planning but can’t talk about just yet.

This afternoon I have been crocheting – mainly working on a present for Grandma but switching to the one for Mommy when she went out. I was also composing an email about this Anthony Nolan thing and working on some other stuff to go alongside it.

My eye has been much less problematic today, thankfully. I think not having any make up on has helped. Got to wear as little as possible.

The 17th of November.

Most of today, I have stayed sat in the armchair in fear, because twice when I got up, my chest hurt. I did not enjoy that, so I decided to avoid moving unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully, I have just tested myself and it felt alright.

So this morning, I fell back to sleep after my alarm went off, then I was woken up by some Bach on Desert Island Discs. Got downstairs and had to write up yesterday because I didn’t have time last night. Once that was done, I settled down in my chair to get working on Hank the Dorset Down Sheep.

And he has been my activity of the day! I left my chair to give the kittens lunch and go to the bathroom once, then I stayed put with my wool. I have made his head, body and two legs! Now my eyes are hurting but I only have prednisolone eye drops which don’t work as well as the dexamethasone, which I have run out of (unless I want to induce more agony with preservative). Not sure what I’m going to do until Monday.

The 18th of November.

Another day of much the same, but for slightly different reasons.

I got up when my alarm went off, and already my back was clunking. It has not improved as the day’s gone on, so I have stayed in my chair, trying to not be in pain. However, that hasn’t done me much good, and this evening I am unable to find a position that is comfortable.

I couldn’t watch Saturday Kitchen because Pixie Lott was on it, and I simply can’t bear her. So I put Bones on instead and got through two of those while I wrote up a late blog post, then made Hank’s other two legs. Plus I had tweets from Heidi that the crocheted item I made for her has arrived and she is very pleased, so I feel good about that.

After lunch, I made his ears and tail, then it was time to assemble him. Without his coat though, he is not cute. The rest of my afternoon, once he was put together, has been spent creating his woolly jacket. He’s not done, but I finished a ball of wool and that seemed like a natural place to have a rest. Currently it looks like he has a lovely vest on. I shall complete him tomorrow!

The 7th of November. 

Feeling less shit today – no murdery dreams and my muscles are not so sore, so overall generally better. 

This morning, I wrote up a blog post while shouting at the Tory voices on Victoria Derbyshire. Eventually, I had to put on an episode of Bones because I was getting my blood pressure up. Then I put together the final gnome and took some photos of them all together. Now they’re sitting on the mantelpiece, having a lovely time. 

After lunch, I started work on the next Christmas project, but didn’t get much done before Ann and Tom, the couple interested in Callie and Carlton arrived. They pretty much immediately fell in love with them, as I expected. They are just too gorgeous to not adore. They’re going to change the kittens’ names to Molly and Bertie, so we’ll have to get used to calling them that. Plus they’ve given us blankets for them to get used to/put their smell on. 

After they left, I tried ringing the GP again to talk to this secretary who’s been trying to talk to me. I rang this morning, but she wasn’t available so I was told she’d ring back. When I tried again, she’d left. So then I talked to the team leader who did some investigating, but couldn’t get to the bottom of it. She’ll try again tomorrow, and maybe I’ll eventually find out what they want!

The 8th of November. 

Well, local anaesthetic in the eyelid is, much like most of the local injections I’ve had, not that bad. The only distressing local in the past was for the bronchoscopy, but that was for more psychological reasons than physical. 

Anyway. I was up just before six, because we had to be at the QE for eight. I was first on the list, which I was pleased about. I met Mr. Kolli before going into theatre, and we had a brief chat before he drew an arrow on my forehead so they didn’t do the wrong eye. Then I didn’t have to wait long for the theatre to be ready, so I put on my gown (over my clothes) and shower cap and went to lie down. 

A nurse put some music on (classical, disco, La La Land, Sinead O’Connor) and poured what felt like a gallon of two different strengths of anaesthetic drops in, with a tissue at the side to stop them escaping. Another nurse took her place, and I was given his hand to hold while Mr. Kolli injected the local into my lower eyelid. They both warned me about how awful it would be, so I was surprised to find it really wasn’t so terrible. Not that it was pleasurable, but I didn’t scream or even flinch, which he can’t remember witnessing with any previous patients. Brave Kathryn strikes again. 

Finally got round to zapping the rogue five lashes, and I didn’t feel a thing. So now they’re gone. I have antibiotic ointment to do four times a day (along with all my other drops) and I sported a very fetching eye patch until half past one. We’ll see if it has held off the bruising tomorrow. 

The 9th of November. 

This morning was arduous and long and frustrating. First was lung function. For the first time since I was at the children’s hospital, I had to get in the box (see photo below). Same tests, just different room/equipment. They took forever, it seemed, partly because I had to do one of them four times, plus she had to get some blood from me and it all just added up. Knackering. Then I saw Dr. Thompson, and he was not full of joy. The numbers are the worst he’s ever seen (for me), which is what I was expecting. We compared some x-rays from now and last year, and it is quite clear that the right lung has shrunk and the chest wall has sunk in, so I have less volume and the way I feel now is the new baseline. Great. 

Got out of there about half eleven, so just had time to get some coffee before going to see Andrew. That was a very confusing chat. It seems the lymphoscintigram actually showed that the right side works better than the left, because the lymphatic system is compensating for the rubbish venous flow. So now he wants an MRI with gadolinium so we can get a definitive picture of my anatomy. Which will require careful booking because he or a colleague will need to be there. JOY. And even when we know what is going on where, what we do is still up in the air because so many things could go wrong. Numbness, he cannot fix, but can sort out another MRI for that and refer me for nerve conduction studies. 

I don’t make any sense. 

The 22nd of September. 

Hallo darling, 

It has been three weeks now, since you left us. I am recovering from my most hectic few days in a long time, which culminated in saying goodbye to you. It was a lengthy drive, and you would have told me not to come, that you didn’t warrant that kind of effort. You never could fathom how much you were loved. But I had to be there. I couldn’t let the last time I saw you be the last time we were together. 

This was never a place we were supposed to be. Everyone knows I’ve been to a lot of funerals. However, they are not the funerals of friends. I have said goodbye to many people, but they have most often been children, which is not to say I didn’t love them and was not devastated, but I did not connect with them the way I did with you. I am not only grieving over losing you, but all the years I saw ahead with you too. We have not just had a friend ripped away, but a lifetime. We were supposed to drink coffee and eat cinnamon buns together. I wanted you to see the end of the saga of my swollen arm. I wanted to see you with the hair I know you were so desperate to grow back.

Adam said it most succinctly, with his string of expletives during his speech. Fuck cancer. There is a part of me that has to slightly contradict him though. It’s the worst, most selfish part of me, but I think you would understand. It’s saying thank you, cancer. I wish to infinity and back that it had ended differently, but if I hadn’t been ill ten years ago, there might not have been any reason for us to develop the bond we did. I know that we shared things that you could not speak to anyone else about, and I hope you were able to find comfort in me. 

You were, quite honestly, one of the best people I have ever known. I have no other way to put it. Only someone quite so phenomenal could inspire the love that has poured out since your departure, and it was an honour to call myself your friend. I am so proud of everything you achieved, and what will be done in your name. Only you could have appeared in such flamboyant form, a rainbow on a clear day. Thank you for being here. For all of it. I love you. 

The 23rd of September. 

Oh god I am so tired. All I want is my bed. I had to be awake at seven to be at hospital for my nine o’clock eye appointment and finally the past week has caught up with me. 

I saw Carmel, the lovely nurse, and she checked my vision and my pressures, and I could read more letters than last time. Then Dr. Barry called me in, and checked out my eyes. He has changed some of the eye drops, and whipped out some of the lashes in my left lower lid. I made some comment about how there’s not much we can do about them, and he said actually there is! So I’m going to have electrolysis, which involves having local anaesthetic in the eyelid, then a hot probe put in the root and it kills the troublesome lashes. 

Back at home, we were just about to have lunch, when Jill from Black Sheep called, because Michaela’s half one client had cancelled or moved, so could I come in early? That was fine, so I ate my lunch (including my chocolate crodough, which was still good even after two days) and we went into Sutton. Just a bit of a chop, so I was only there about an hour, swapping baby photos and stories. 

Since getting back, I have just flooped. Had some hugs from the kittens, who have clearly missed me. Henrietta less so. I have tried stroking her with the roller a bit but she continually flinched and I felt bad so I stopped. Now bed please. When Strictly finishes I am off. 

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The 29th of August. 

Another bad night! I really don’t know what’s happening, if it’s my body or my mind that is the problem. I just want it to stop. 

This morning, I did a blog post, and had started watching The Mist yesterday, so I put that back on. I got a couple of episodes watched (Mommy had taken Grandma for an appointment with her consultant) and painted my nails, which was fun when I dropped my phone down the side of the chair. I was able to retrieve it without getting nail varnish everywhere, thankfully. 

Mommy got back around lunchtime, so we ate some food, then I went to let the kittens run around while I watched the final few episodes of The Mist. I think I am getting somewhere with Henrietta – I keep giving her treat sticks and the occasional Dreamie and I am getting hissed at less. The Mist has a very unsatisfactory ending – no questions answered, harmful stereotypes reinforced, cliffhanger finale. Do I want another season? Just answers would be preferable, I think. Bah. 

New Bake Off tonight. I have a lot of conflicting feelings. 

The 30th of August. 

Jesus, my eyes have been really sore for the past two days. No reason, and not much I can really do to alleviate the pain. More eye drops don’t really help. Blargh. I at least had a marginally better sleep, but the dreams weren’t great. 

I’ve done too much crocheting again, so my fingers are tired. The doily is so big, it now takes over an hour to do a round and it only grows. Really hoping I manage to get to the end without running out of wool. 

This afternoon, we watched the Horizon programme about psychopaths, then I finished off a round of crochet before going upstairs to listen to some podcasts and give my eyes a rest. Back downstairs, I let the kittens out and watched an episode of Sense8. Henrietta is coming a bit closer to me now, although we thought we might have a setback last night after she got her claws stuck in a blanket and completely freaked out. We couldn’t help her without getting injured, so I had to get an oven glove so we could remove her paw from its trap. She was not happy. Thankfully, today she does not seem too traumatised. Hugo is still ridiculous, climbing up my leg, but if I look at him, he legs it. More bribery required. 

The 14th of July. 

I have not really felt up to participating in life today. Not quite under the heavy cloud, but definitely not feeling myself. 

I didn’t have a great start to the day; up early again for the dentist this time. I saw the dentist first, and that was fine, but then I saw the hygienist and it wasn’t my normal one. I did not like her. She was very against me using a manual toothbrush or floss picks, and she was adamant that the kids’ Sensodyne Pronamel toothpaste isn’t minty (it definitely fucking is) and wouldn’t listen to me when I protested. She said I had loads of plaque, then cleaned my teeth really aggressively and painfully – there was blood all over my face and bib which has never happened before. She really didn’t seem to care about my history, or the fact that in all the time I’ve been at this practice and seeing Mrs. Richards, nobody has felt that I had any problems. I was very glad to get out of there. When I had to rebook, I made a point of making sure it was with my normal hygienist. Not seeing that woman again. 

Got home where I could finally have my coffee (no time before I went out), and I rang the lymphoedema clinic that has been recommended to me. They said I needed a referral, so on Monday I’ll get a consultant to write a letter. 

The rest of my day has been spent looking for something to wear on Tuesday. Fuck my arm. If I weren’t right-handed, I’d have chopped it off. 

The 15th of July. 

I am so tired. Another bloody early start for another morning appointment. This time it was to see the eye man at the QE. They were not running so on time today, so my 9.50 appointment ended up being more like half ten. Still, it was good news – said they were the best he’d seen them, which would certainly tally with how I feel. I can cut out one eye drop, so it won’t take so long to go to bed, and he’s prescribed something that might be better than Hyabak. 

Got home about twenty to twelve, and the stuff I’d ordered from ASOS yesterday had arrived. I’d sent for a couple of shirts and a dress. I’m definitely keeping at least one shirt, not sure about the other, and the dress is going back. It’s too dark for me. Shame. 

This afternoon, I listened to the tennis while writing up the venoplasty blog post, and I’ve been to pet the kitties a few times. There is interest in Bree but I really need Betty to go first, or she’ll freak out of she’s alone for the first time in a new place. Bah. 

Finally finished that doily I have been working on. I think next I will do some things for the new babies that are coming soon – Peter and Sophie’s, Michaela’s, and Robyn and Stu’s. All the babies!

The 16th of June. 

I have a tiny bit of good news. I gave the ciclosporine eye drops another go last night, fully prepared for it to be awful again. But it was fine. It stung a bit, and first thing this morning was a bit tricky, but it was so much better than last time. So now that extra line of treatment for my eyes is up, let’s hope that helps. 

So it’s been a quiet day. I wrote up a blog post this morning and this afternoon I did some podcast listening and redid all the crochet I’d had to unravel. Now back to where I was, I can try to finish. Will have to do most of it tomorrow because on Sunday, new kitties come, so I will be super distracted. I need some tiny floofs. 

The more that comes out about Grenfell, the worse if gets. The Queen and Prince William visited victims today, Theresa May only went to the hospital where she could control the narrative. Then she goes to a church but nobody sees her and she sneaks out of a side door. No council-lead support; everything is being done by the volunteers. Everybody in power is doing the bare minimum, sometimes not even that. It’s inhumane. 

The 17th of June. 

So hot. So bright. Being on Voriconazole means I’m not really allowed to go in the sun (it majorly increases the risk of getting skin cancer and since we know someone who did get it because they didn’t know, I’m not taking any chances), so I can’t go outside and enjoy it, but even if I could, I’d be so photosensitive, I’d be blind. I miss being able to see without pain. 

It’s been mainly a day of crocheting. Want to finish the doily. And I’m doing very well – I’ve got one round left. Although focusing on tiny crochet hasn’t been great for the eyes. Finish a round, have a rest. Lots of drops. 

Very little to say. I iced some cakes and put sugar elephants and ducks on them. I climbed the stairs and it was fine. That was a really good feeling. It’s been so long since I didn’t need an immediate rest when I got to the top.