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The 3rd of May.

I have been putting this off because writing it down makes it real.

It’s been a pretty quiet, mildly shitty day. I still have this stupid dry cough which wakes me up throughout the night, although my throat is less scratchy now, which I suppose is a plus.

We went into Birmingham this morning so I could pick up my copy of the new Jeffery Deaver novel, The Burial Hour. I also needed to get a thank you card to give James tomorrow when we have our last ever appointment, and Mommy wanted a blank card to put a cross-stitch in but couldn’t find one.

This afternoon, I phoned Andrew’s secretary, Emelda, again, but he hadn’t got back to her and there were no spaces in his clinics until the beginning or end of June. At this point I got upset and I tried to explain about the wedding. I didn’t do it on purpose, but she then said she’d keep trying for me and I’d hear back as soon as she spoke to him.

Mommy then went to Grandma’s, and I watched the new Pretty Little Liars and started the book. Mid-programme, Emelda called me back, and I’ve got an appointment for 25th May, so I will “go to the ball”, as she put it. I didn’t tell her that really I need to see him much sooner because she’s obviously pulled strings to get me in there, but I’m going to have to attend the wedding in my wheelchair, on oxygen and with a giant, swollen arm. I am so tired of this. My hateful body.

The 4th of May.

Nothing like bad news from a friend to prompt a reality check. Dean had his operation on Wednesday to remove the tumour on his rib. That part went as predicted, but what the had not expected was to find new tumours elsewhere that weren’t visible on his scan four weeks ago. Obviously this has been a shock to everyone, so they don’t know what the plan will be. I am just devastated for him, for Adam, and his family. I know how it feels to relapse but he hasn’t even been in remission yet. He knows I am here, for whatever he needs, This is the worst of days.

Up until hearing this news, I was having a pretty good day. I don’t think I have coughed so much today, but I won’t get my hopes up about improvement just yet. I had an appointment at Black Sheep to see James to re-tone my hair, my last session with him! I gave him his crocheted monkey and a card with a rainbow sheep on – I thought it was the most appropriate. I was not there for so long today, he was just going over the colour again, so now I’m a bit more vibrant. It has been our best work.

Home briefly, then back out, to the QE for my physio assessment. They were very on time, so I had barely started reading my book before I was called through. I filled in a questionnaire about my pain, then a chap came to see me. We talked a little bit about medical stuff and my current limitations re: oxygen, then he wanted to see what I could do. He had me stand up and bend forwards and backwards, then sit on the bed and twist left and right. Apparently I am quite stiff when going backwards and left. I then had to lie back and do some stuff with my pelvis and legs. Basically, he can give me some exercises/stretches to try out for a few weeks, then I’ll go back and we’ll see what progress has been made. He was very impressed with my enthusiasm and determination, which made me laugh because I used to be so terrible with physios, always pretending to be asleep when they came. I learned the hard way that that is not helpful.

The 28th of March. 

I have felt a-fucking-trocious for most of my day. High levels of oxygen have been required, and even then I have not felt so good. 

This morning I was needing 1.5-2 litres of oxygen just to sit and eat my breakfast. I finished the monster doily, then there wasn’t much morning left before we had to go out to Black Sheep. 

Obviously I took a small cylinder of oxygen with me, and I was doing alright to begin with. However, after James had put the lightener in, I had to go to the bathroom and I knew I wouldn’t get there without help. Because of the fumes and the spray etc in the air, I had to put it up to 3 litres and I was still struggling, but I didn’t want to go any higher for fear of ploughing through the cylinder. I had to text Mommy to get her to bring me a new one mid-appointment because the small ones only last 1.5-2 hours on high volumes. 

I told James off for leaving, but I forgive him because his reasons are good and Saskia will take care of me. We have nailed it with the colour – I look like a load of pixie sticks have been tipped onto my head. In a good way. Michaela is having another baby so I congratulated her, and she gave me a trim. 

I got home at about half past four, so not much has happened since then, but I’ve got the oxygen down again, thank god. I felt absolutely awful. 

The 29th of March. 

Vast improvement. I had a crappy sleep which I am putting down to low sats – when I sat up, they were 88, despite me having been on oxygen all night. However, I have got better since then.

This morning, I wrote up the blog post I should have done yesterday, we had a delivery of oxygen, then I had my rescheduled chiro appointment from last week. I was considering postponing it again, but I did not feel too terrible and my back had started protesting. 

I took the small cylinder with me, so I was able to get into all the necessary positions, which was good because pretty much all of my back had tightened up. Surprisingly, my neck didn’t need any crunching, just massaging into submission. 

Once home, we had lunch, then I updated my phone software (I know) and took a lot of selfies to document my new pretty hair. I started crocheting a new doily, and I’ve got my oxygen down to 1 litre. I wish we could work out what causes me to need it more some days and not others. Knowing me, there is probably no reason.  

The 24th of March. 

Very little to report today. I spent my morning writing all about yesterday, then put it into a blog post. I had some terrible news that James (who colours my hair) is moving to London in May! I’m very pleased for him but also very upset for my hair. I have now booked in to see him and Michaela next week, as I planned on getting it cut on the day I went into hospital, so on Tuesday I’ll have a chop and we’ll work on a spectacular finale of our relationship. 

My breathing has not been great, and that’s because when I’m just on air, my sats are only 90. Now I’ve bought a home sats monitor, I’m obsessed with checking them. It seems I have good reason to be though. 90 is not good enough. I’ll have to keep an eye on them and if they don’t improve we’ll have to see what the doctors think. Can I just get better please?

The 25th of March. 

Okay if this is recovery it is very intermittent and confusing. I slept with the oxygen on, took it off when I got up (which was late because I forgot to set my alarm) and by the time I’d got dressed, my sats had hit 85. This did not bode well. However, during the morning, I started feeling better. I took the oxygen off, and suddenly it seemed I had improved – I’ve been above 95% on air since then. I don’t understand. 

In other news, I checked MyHealth last night on a whim and saw that I have a venoplasty date! 24th of April. A month away. By the time my arm deflates (that’s if it works this time), I won’t be able to wear the rest of my jumpers which have been waiting for the past three months because it’ll probably be warm again. 

For much of my day, I sat and watched episodes of Buffy on the SyFy channel while I crocheted. Every so often I have checked my sats and they’ve been okay, so I think I’m just going to have to see how I feel every day and see if the trend is up or downward. 

The 19th of January. 

Another day of little activity. This morning I wrote up a post, then got somewhat engrossed in a game of Rollercoaster Tycoon. It’s back as an iPad game and I forgot how easy it is to get involved. Yeah, it’s no Theme Park World, but it’ll do. 

I spent my afternoon at Black Sheep. Cut and colour time, change for my birthday. The cut was just a trim, nothing drastic, but the colour has gone from white to pink and people; I think they are my favourite colours to be. Had a nice chat with James about his new business venture and that’s going very well which doesn’t surprise me at all. I got some more of The Man in the High Castle read, although I need to not leave it so long between reads as I have to keep reminding myself what’s happened. 

I got home about half past four, and we watched last night’s episode of Conviction, with which we are now finally up to date. Not especially productive but one can’t be all the time. 

Trump’s inauguration tomorrow. Think I might hide under my duvet until Saturday. 

The 20th of January. 

Trying to pretend today didn’t happen. Ignoring it. Just wishing for tomorrow, when it’s my birthday and hundreds of thousands of people march against a man who represents everything abhorrent in the world. 

I spent a lot of my day feeling quite uncomfortable and sad. I took a lot of selfies to document my new hair when the light was good, and blocked out current events by listening to podcasts. 

I thought I should at least do something constructive, so I’ve started crocheting a very cute pair of otters which will cheer me up when they’re done. 

There’s little else to say. Can today be finished now please?

The 14th of December. 

I am so sleepy! I think it’s a side effect of the pneumonia jab – last night during Masterchef, I was working really hard to keep my eyes open, and again at Black Sheep today while I was getting my hair washed. Another early night tonight, methinks. 

This morning, after writing up a blog post, we took the kittens back to the vet for their first jabs. We got them all into the carrier without them really realising what was happening. They mewed all the way there, and continued while Bryn took them all out individually. Everybody is fine, and they seemed less upset by the needle in the neck today. 

After lunch, I was at Black Sheep to see James about making my hair white for Christmas. It’s actually come out grey, but I just need to wash it to make it right. That took a good few hours, then we went to Waitrose to pick up a John Lewis order, and the sorting office for a package I missed yesterday. Now I have all of my presents!

I don’t think I will be going to the gym tomorrow – my back, neck and shoulder hurt, and if I’m all sleepy, I don’t want to feel that in the gym. Fuck it, it’s Christmas.

The 15th of December. 

I feel really sad for no reason. Well, I know the reason – depression. It was there when I woke up this morning, and it has not abated. Tomorrow is my wrapping day and I need to find my festive spirit before I start. 

I really have very little to say. I’ve spent the day wanting it to be over, wanting to feel better. Not even the kittens have been able to cheer me up. 

That’s it. I’m not here today.

 

The 28th of November. 

I think I’m just about okay today. I was still a bit wibbly when I got up, so my potential gym trip was off. Not lifting heavy weights when I might fall over. 

This morning I did a blog post and painted my nails a festive green while snuggled up in my pyjamas and fur-lined hoodie. I did get dressed, just later than might be considered socially acceptable. Well, I’m kind of poorly. It’s allowed. 

After lunch, I sorted out some of the crap in my bedroom so now it has either been put away or is in piles to get put somewhere else or in the bin. Then I had a try at making a coffee using a drip filter, as my Pact advent calendar coffee is ground for that particular brewing method, and I usually use my espresso machine. 

It was okay but next time I will use more coffee – I started off with just 16g. Not strong enough. My next job was to have another trawl of the internet for potential Christmas presents, but I am severely lacking in inspiration. Everything I see, I just think is a terrible gift. I’ve bought four things I like and made two crocheted things but that is all and I am struggling. I am really hoping some ideas come to me in a dream. Mommy and I have our annual London Christmas shopping trip next week, so maybe I will see things then.

The 29th of November. 

I’ve only had the one wobbly moment today, so I think whatever it was has passed. Hooray!

I had a quiet morning. Mommy was out at the chiro, and I spent my time doing another filter coffee and crocheting a leg of the unicorn I’m making. I used some of Daddy’s coffee for today’s practise and it was not nice at all. I do not like that blend. I’m glad I have my own. 

I had an appointment to get my hair cut after lunch, and we had quite the palaver with the hair washing. Just as my first shampoo was being done, the pressure on the boiler went, and the shower heads weren’t producing any hot water. Not ideal. They tried various things, but ended up having to use hot water from the coffee machine to rinse my hair, which was fine but I was just glad I got in when I did and wasn’t having any colour done! The chap couldn’t come until five, so I hope it’s fixed now. 

So I was there somewhat longer than expected, but that was fine with me, I just felt bad for Michaela and the knock-on effect it was having. All nice and short now, and re-whitening in two weeks. 

When I got home, I had to ring a potential adopter because I didn’t think she fully understood how Cats Protection works, then I made another unicorn leg and ordered all my Christmas cards. At least I have that sorted. Glee Club tonight! Seann Walsh and the best fish finger sandwich. 

The 8th of November. 

Well we know Dixville Notch in New Hampshire has done the right thing. Just got to hope the rest of America follows suit. Honestly I am so nervous – as someone on Twitter said, it’s like Christmas Eve and the night before dangerous, life-threatening surgery at the same time. 

I have had a very quiet day – still no building to wake me but the skip arrived today so that might change tomorrow. I have to get up for the hairdresser tomorrow anyway so hopefully it won’t matter. I did a blog post, then did a lot of crochet. Making myself a scarf/snood in the softest wool to ever exist. My face is going to be snuggly as fuck. I came across it in John Lewis, and now I am hearing disturbing reports that they are going to get rid of the haberdashery. They deny it, and I do hope they are not lying because I love it. 

This afternoon, we had to take all the cats to the vet for their second jabs. We kind of had to force Amy into her carrier and she wasn’t thrilled but I gave her lots of treats to try and appease her. When we took them in, the vet asked if we wanted a sickly chicken – someone found a chicken roaming in the park and brought it in. We declined. 

Got a couple coming to see Archie tomorrow evening. Hooray!

The 9th of November. 

It really happened. I was dreaming that Hillary won by a landslide, woke up at 5am and checked the news. Trump had 240, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to put the news on (still can’t) so I listened to two RHLSTPs until it was a socially acceptable time to get up. 

I’ve been at Black Sheep for a lot of today, having my hair whitened for Christmas. Obviously Trump is all we could talk about. I think we are all still in shock. Disbelief. I’m seeing Nish on Friday and I think we might become hysterical. The only way to cope with it right now. 

I left at half two, and we went to Pets at Home to buy a tank for the hamster to live in. This morning, to add insult to injury, Graham decided he would projectile pee in spurts out of the cage. We cannot have that so now he’s got a big plastic tank. He’s still registering the fact that he no longer has bars he can climb and chew. I am sure he will adjust. 

The people who were coming to see Archie have pulled out because they feel they’re not ready right now. That’s fine; we’d rather they worked that out now. 

The world is a scary place.