Archives For kittens

The 12th of March. 

I had a minor breakdown last night. I got very sad and scared about my current state, and had to be careful not to let the tears start flowing because that would have made everything worse. Infections can cause permanent damage, and I am really, really worried that I will not return to the way I was in November, which is the last time I remember feeling relatively good. If I continue to struggle so much every time I move, my life as I know it will change forever, again. I want to still be able to walk around my house feeling okay, able to go into The Glee and climb the stairs without being so scarily out of breath that I am frozen in my seat because even thinking about anything else seems to make it harder. If I have to keep using oxygen at home then we are going to have to stop fostering kittens, because they will play with and chew up the tubing. Then, if I can’t foster, I certainly don’t want to be in charge of homing anymore because it would be torture. 

Basically, if I do not recover to a satisfactory degree, I do not want to live like that. But I don’t want to die. And I don’t know where that leaves me. I will talk to the doctors tomorrow morning, find out if we’ve grown anything specific yet, and if they think there will be any long-term effects from this. I suspect it will take a lung function test in a couple of months to know for definite, because it could take a good 6-8 weeks to really get over this. And I hate waiting. 

I had a nice break today. My only mero dose was at 2, and the doctors had said that if I wanted to go out between doses that was fine, so I asked Daddy to come and pick me up, then we went home where I had a boiled egg and soldiers for lunch, and Mommy washed my hair. It has needed doing for at least a week, so it is nice for it to feel soft and fluffy again. 

Mommy and I came back at two, when I had my mero, and the nurse was very keen to start weaning me off the oxygen again, despite the test the other day. I agreed to swap to the low flow meter, so we can bring it down in smaller increments. Started at 0.8 litres and that was okay, then at six I came down to 0.5. I don’t feel very comfortable, but my sats are 99/100, so I’m okay, and I’m going to persevere. When I started on one litre, I felt like this, and it got better, so I’ll try. I’ll still have the small cylinder on 1 litre when I move because I will definitely need the extra then. 

While I was at home, Mommy made cinnamon swirls! We are so basic – she happened to see cinnamon swirl dough in a tin, which is literally a can of dough that is about five inches long? You open the can, and slice up the length of dough, then bake and add some icing! I haven’t had one yet though – we have brought them to hospital and I am going to have one with Dean tomorrow as he’s coming in for some chemo and is going to come see me beforehand. He is also an enormous cinnamon bun fan so it is only right that I share. 

The 13th of March. 

I had a very quiet but productive morning, and a very busy and fun afternoon. It’s been pretty nice. 

I decided I should really update my blog, because I’d been putting it off until I could be bothered to type up what I wrote for Mommy’s birthday surprise day, but it had really been too long of a hiatus for me to carry on procrastinating. There wasn’t actually as much to write up as I thought, so it wasn’t too intensive. Uploading the photos took a little while because of the WiFi, but one can’t expect miracles. I have been writing my journal updates in the Notes on my phone since I was admitted, because it hurt my arm too much to physically write when I first had the chest drain, so I have just carried on since then. Plus it made it quicker when I came to actually do the blog posts. I still have to write them into my diary but that can wait. 

With six posts to do, that took pretty much my entire morning. A different doctor is on the ward this week, Dr. Khan, but he hadn’t got much news – still nothing specific has grown, the pneumonia test that they sent off to Heartlands hasn’t come back yet but apparently it sounds like it could be that from my symptoms (I really don’t know anymore), and they would take some more bloods today to see what my CRP is doing. I’ve checked but they’re not back yet. 

Dean was planning to come and see me at midday after he’d been admitted for chemo, but things were hectic on YPU so he was delayed. That was fine, I just sat and did some crocheting until Vicky arrived at half past two with coffee and hugs. I spent a lot of time explaining what has been going on because she only had my instagram to go on, and we were amused by the doctor coming to take my blood and being surprised by us both knowing so much medical language and being so aware of how this all works. It happens when it’s been your life for so long!

Dean appeared at my window just after half past three and couldn’t stay very long as he had to go back to start his chemo, but I gave him a swirl and he gave us both copies of the magazine he has just launched (it’s called Hiskind and yes he has launched a magazine while having treatment for cancer he’s fucking amazing). We had a little bit of chat but he’s going to come back tomorrow because he’s only on fluids during the day. 

Vicky left about five, and Mommy had arrived by then. Oh I forgot, I was also dropped in on by Philippa and Kirsty while both Dean and Vicky were here, so I have been quite the social butterfly! 

I am doing this as University Challenge has started and hearing the voice of Monkman made me sit up with excitement. I think he is even better than the guy who wore the leather vest. 

The 7th of January. 

Fuck I am still so tired, despite having caught up on sleep I missed at New Year. I think it’s because I’m still coughing a lot, especially in the mornings – they are awful. I would really like to feel good again soon. 

This morning, I wrote up a blog post, went on a hunt for a place for us to eat on my birthday (settled on Where the Pancakes Are, yum), then did some Cats Protection training. There was a new fosterers induction so I went through it. I did learn something so it wasn’t a waste of time. 

After lunch, I rang a potential adopter and forwarded him to the appropriate fosterer so hoping that’s a good match when he goes to see the kitty tomorrow. 

The rest of my time has been spent finishing the blanket – I just need to sew the fin to the tail and it’ll be done! Rainbow mermaid tail. It’s quite snug – only to be worn with leggings or tights. Unless it stretches. 

Tonight I will have to give the kittens lots of hugs before they go tomorrow. I will miss their stupid, pretty, rascally faces. 

The 8th of January. 

Not feeling quite so shitty today. Everything is still the same, I’ve just had a reasonable amount of sleep. Praying the postman brings me an appointment for a venogram tomorrow. Or someone calls me. Please. 

Shaki came this morning to pick up the kittens so they could go to Exeter. They were very scrabbly and did not want to go, which I took to mean that they will miss me. It meant we had to get them into the carrier very quickly, so I didn’t really get to say a proper goodbye. Probably a good thing or I might have had a cry. 

When they were gone, I had to call a potential adopter, then I finished my blanket. I’m not sure when I’ll use it, but it’s fun. 

We took Grandma to Miller and Carter for lunch because it’s her birthday tomorrow. I had scallops and then brisket, which I managed to eat quite successfully. Mash and gravy were very handy aids to mastication. 

Since getting home, I have begun making a jumper. I’m using the pattern from the last jumper I made, but with quite a lot of alterations – it’ll be shorter, have a narrower body, longer and narrower sleeves, and a smaller neckline. Just a little bit different. 

The 1st of January. 

Happy New Year! Not feeling my best – not hungover (obviously, my tongue can’t cope with alcohol), but all the rest of my body is still misbehaving. My feet have been quite calm today, but other things are not so good: my hands and fingers are still sore, my right arm is still massive, and I woke up with really sensitive eyes again. Think I might have to go see someone at the eye hospital. Not to mention my ulcerated tongue. Oh and I’m still coughing, so yeah, not a great start to the year. 

Most of today has been crocheting. This morning I sat with the kittens while blogging and watching New Year Brunch. Grandma came for the afternoon, and we had game casserole for New Year’s Day lunch, followed by sticky toffee pudding with extra chopped up fudge. 

I then spent two and a half hours crocheting the green stripe of my blanket and watching Mirror Mirror, occasionally massaging the base of my right thumb to stop it cramping up. 

She shuffles around,

Turning the lights out,

Closes the window,

Checks on the locks. 

Folds up the blanket,

Empties the bottle 

And leaves it in the hallway, dark. 

She’s just glad she gets to be around

To see another Spring to come to this town. 

Happy New Year, Happy New Year 

To you.

The 2nd of January. 

Bleah, I feel like garbage. My eye is sore again today, and everything else is still the same, maybe my hands and feet are marginally better? Plus now I’m sporting multiple scratches from the kittens because they hate the worming medicine. Thankfully today was the last day they need to have it. 

Daddy drove Christine home today, so they left at about 11 after she got a bit sad saying goodbye to the kittens. Speaking of whom, they will be disappearing to an adoption centre on Wednesday or Thursday. Then I will be sad. 

This afternoon I did mainly crocheting and watching Nashville (I have eight episodes on the box to watch, and I got through two). Shaki came round just after half three to show me this Cats Protection database system called Catalog (see what they did there?) and ended up staying for two hours talking about all sorts of branch stuff. Lots of change afoot and streamlining of some areas which will hopefully make life easier. 

I need a really big sleep. Tomorrow we need to ring the QE because I need to see someone about the mess that is my body, and I need to start ringing potential adopters again.

The 30th of December. 

Success! I went to Blenheim and my toes did not become agonisingly freezing. 

This morning, Jen came round to visit the kittens. She hasn’t seen them since she fell, so she was amazed by how much they’ve grown. That was a good four weeks ago now, and kittens can grow a lot in a month. Looking back at photos of them when they first arrived, I can certainly see it. Tiny Tim settled in on her lap, which makes sense as he had to be hand-reared by her separately for a while because he was a tiddler. 

She left about midday, then after lunch, there wasn’t a great deal of time to do much except give the kittens their worming medicine (which they have learned they do not like) and feed them before going out to Blenheim.

I love long drives because I get to listen to entire albums while watching the world go by. On the way down, it was Elements by Kina Grannis, and Pillars by Josh Record on the way home. We arrived earlier than our allotted time, so went for a hot chocolate before going to the trail. We took the manual wheelchair, which definitely the right decision because there was loads of mud, tree roots and dodgy gradients. It would have been impossible. But we got round, occasionally requiring teamwork, but it was very pretty and I’m really glad I went. At the end, we had “posh dogs” and hog roast sandwiches, before removing as much mud from my wheels as possible and driving home. Good evening. 

The 31st of December.  

New Year’s Eve and nobody we love has died today. Soon it will be over. As long as nobody major dies in the next few weeks, 2017 might be alright. However, things are looking dodgy for the Queen so it might all go tits up early doors. 

It has been a very quiet day. Pyjama morning, painted nails, all the puzzles in the weekend Guardian. We had roast rib of beef for lunch, which took some time because eating anything that requires much chewing is still quite problematic. 

Most of my day has just been sitting in front of the tv, crocheting my blanket. I had to order another ball of wool to do the fin of said blanket and had an email to say it had been left in a safe place but it very much has not. Stupid lying courier. So far I’ve got an orange stripe and a yellow stripe. Green next – it’s going to be a rainbow. 

Although in the grand scheme of things, it’s been a terrible year, personally, it has not been too dreadful. I made a lot of cute things, hung out with a lot of cool people, took care of many tiny floofers, and got to start working with Anthony Nolan for a cause that I am really passionate about. 

2017 holds the promise of better times, only because I am not sure the world can get a great deal worse. At least we know it won’t be boring. 

The 26th of December. 

Changed our minds. Cancel the steroids – we have a new theory. We still think my mouth is GvHD, and so ring up the dental hospital first thing on Wednesday, but we’re less site about my feet – we now think it might be a condition called erythromelalgia, which can be caused by high platelets (I have bucketloads of them). We might go to the QE after the dental hospital and until then, carry on with cold water and elevation. 

I spent the whole morning in my pyjamas, then when I did finally get dressed, I put on my very soft new trousers and have had a very comfortable, cosy day. Except for all the pain. 

At lunch (Nigel Slater’s festive sausage roll), I just looked at it and thought I might cry. Just feeling so shit, and I really don’t know what the reason or solution is. If the pain team are required I am not hopeful, as I’m still waiting to hear from them about my back. I need an alternative to gabapentin, a drug for nerve pain that won’t impact upon my breathing. 

This afternoon has just meant sitting in front of the films on BBC1. Tonight is the last ever proper Bake Off and it think I will weep salty tears into my Christmas cake. 

The 27th of December. 

Changed our minds again. My feet have been so much better today and don’t know if that’s because the steroids are treating GvHD, or if it’s just the anti-inflammatory effect they have. Anyhow, I took the pred again today. I’m not sure about tomorrow, apart from definitely ringing up the dental hospital, because my tongue needs injecting. 

I spent all of my morning writing up my Christmas Day post, then after lunch, I went to the kitty room to watch an episode of The OA and see if I could work out which kitten is still doing dodgy poos. We have been taking shifts to watch them, but haven’t been able to work it out yet. 

I left when Daddy came in to watch The Grand Tour (I know, but I can’t stop him), and Mommy and I watched the Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Now we hear Richard Adams and Carrie Fisher have died. I wonder who is left for 2016 to take from us. Just finish, then everyone can stop dying and everything will be fine. 

The 16th of December.

It lifted, thank god. The wrapping day was not ruined. I woke up in time to say bye to Mommy and Daddy before they set off for Wales, then had my breakfast and wrote up a blog post. After fighting for a long time with the lock on the front door (I was being inept), I went round the corner to get some double sided tape and cotton wool pads (not for wrapping, I had just run out). 

After lunch, I set myself up at the dining table with my peppermint drinking fudge, The Polar Express, and all my wrapping paraphernalia. I spent the subsequent three hours indulging in festive spirit, and I have nearly finished, I just need to get some gift bags for a few things that even I am incapable of wrapping. Will pop into Paperchase after The Muppets tomorrow. 

Just after half four, I jumped in a taxi to go back to Black Sheep to have the toner cleansed our of my hair – washing did not give the desired effect. James was lovely and has fixed it, and I’m much happier now. 

I have just finished my dinner of a Domino’s personal pizza and two of four cookies, awaiting the arrival of my parents back home. They are mere moments away. 

The 17th of December. 

Today would have been 100% excellent if not for one (hopefully) minor inconvenience. But I will get to that. 

Woke up stupidly early for a Saturday, but for a good reason – Becky and I were going to watch The Muppets Christmas Carol at The Electric! She came to pick me up at quarter to nine, and off we went. We parked round the back of the cinema, then got some tea before taking our seats. I actually ordered a coffee, but it tasted awful so I went back and got a tea as well. The screening was not as busy as I expected, but some people still managed to be irritating by having brought their poorly-behaved, germ-riddled children. Not acceptable. Still, they could not ruin the magic for me. After all, it is the summer of the soul in December. 

Afterwards, we went to the Cereal Killer Café because I wanted to try one of their “cocktails”. I had a bowloccino, which is Nesquik, Coco Pops, a chocolate curl and espresso milk. So tasty! I would never go there for something like Special K, but combinations or ridiculous cereals, I am all for. 

Before coming home, we went into Paperchase so I could get some gift bags and more ribbon and tissue paper. Now I can finish my wrapping. 

Now to the inconvenience: I happened to push up my sleeves and thought “Ooh, my right arm looks a bit fat. Let’s give it a squish. Ooh, that’s a bit boggy for my liking. Actually, my right foot has felt puffier than usual for the past couple of days. And my breathing has been terrible of late.”

So I don’t know what’s going on, because I don’t have a line anymore, so that can’t be causing it, and it’s only one side, so I’m confused and unhappy. I have started diuretics to try to get rid of some of the fluid, but on Monday morning I might be ringing Gill Lowe to freak out. I don’t want to spend Christmas looking like the Stay Puft marshmallow man. 

This afternoon, Sadie came round! Mainly to see the kittens. She did not steal any (I checked). She was greatly amused by their interest in her feet. They love feet. We stayed with them until they fell asleep, then we watched the end of Mr. Magorium and ate the two remaining Domino’s cookies. 

She had to go about four to make sure her dad had done the pile of sorting she’d left him. Sometimes I wonder who the parent is in that relationship. 

Hoping to god my body deflates with peeing. Don’t make me have another venoplasty. 

The 14th of December. 

I am so sleepy! I think it’s a side effect of the pneumonia jab – last night during Masterchef, I was working really hard to keep my eyes open, and again at Black Sheep today while I was getting my hair washed. Another early night tonight, methinks. 

This morning, after writing up a blog post, we took the kittens back to the vet for their first jabs. We got them all into the carrier without them really realising what was happening. They mewed all the way there, and continued while Bryn took them all out individually. Everybody is fine, and they seemed less upset by the needle in the neck today. 

After lunch, I was at Black Sheep to see James about making my hair white for Christmas. It’s actually come out grey, but I just need to wash it to make it right. That took a good few hours, then we went to Waitrose to pick up a John Lewis order, and the sorting office for a package I missed yesterday. Now I have all of my presents!

I don’t think I will be going to the gym tomorrow – my back, neck and shoulder hurt, and if I’m all sleepy, I don’t want to feel that in the gym. Fuck it, it’s Christmas.

The 15th of December. 

I feel really sad for no reason. Well, I know the reason – depression. It was there when I woke up this morning, and it has not abated. Tomorrow is my wrapping day and I need to find my festive spirit before I start. 

I really have very little to say. I’ve spent the day wanting it to be over, wanting to feel better. Not even the kittens have been able to cheer me up. 

That’s it. I’m not here today.