Archives For lorazepam

The 31st of May.

The three lorazepam worked, eventually. I’d like to do it again tonight but I’m not sure it would be wise. I still have no voiceKathryn Retains Some Independence at all, which is displeasing. I thought it might have started to come back by now. I woke up from my chemical-induced sleep about ten, then I watched Sunday Brunch and did a blog post – nothing of note.

This afternoon, I’ve been incredibly boring but I’ve finally been able to back up my phone! Considering that hasn’t happened since the start of December, I’m glad it’s done.

I’ve been feeling somewhat despondent about my lack of love life. As much as I make out like I’m okay with it, that it’s my decision, it’s only because my hand was forced. No sane person would want to be my boyfriend, and the only way to even be able to kiss someone ever again would have to be with some random drunk stranger, but when does the opportunity for that ever arise? So here I am, forever alone, with only my memories.

The 1st of June.

I had the lorazepam. I figure as long as I am coughing this much and nothing needs to be remembered, I’ll carry on. I won’t take it on Tuesday night because I want to remember going to The Hand and Flowers on Wednesday (which I am super-excited for). 

I got up late again. I was supposed to be at the chiro today but there is no point while I’m still coughing. Next week will be incredibly painful as I can already feel how tense my neck is.

While Mommy was at Grandma’s, I shaved and moisturised my legs as I’d like to wear a dress on Wednesday. I also spent some time trying to sort out the Photo app on the iMac. I have to repair the library and ugh it is a bore.

I was thinking about how if I’m ever going to go out by myself again, I’m going to need a powered wheelchair. When I’m being pushed, I feel like a giant baby, like someone who needs to be cared for. At least if I was getting around under my own steam, I would feel like an independent person, not a patient in a chair. We can’t afford the chair that would be best for us (one that we can lift and fold) so I’ve set up a GoFundMe page, and so far people have been so generous. Here is the link if you would like to contribute: Kathryn Retains Some Independence




The 29th of May.

Last night I tried lorazepam and even that didn’t work. I don’t know what time I did fall asleep, but it was on and off until twenty to eleven. Kate came to flush my line but Mommy explained the situation and they let me sleep, and she’ll come back next week. I’ve still been knackered all day.

I got on the scales to see how much damage all this coughing had done to my weight – it makes my heart rate rise to over 160 each time I have a fit, and I’m back down to nearly 7 1/2 stone which is not very good. It doesn’t help that I don’t have much of an appetite and my stomach’s too small to handle a great deal anyway.

I’ve written a blog post and painted my nails – such excitement. I’ve got very little to say, just that I think I’ve coughed slightly less today? If would be nice to think this are improving.

The 30th of May.

Still barely any sleep. I’m trying lorazepam again tonight, maybe 3mg instead of 2. I remember being in hospital and taking 4 because the coughing was so awful. We’ll see.

So yes, today has just been more of the same. I read the paper and sent some shoes back to ASOS (too big), but that is the only difference. I still have no voice – I’m so exhausted. I just spend the days waiting for them to be over, so I can be another day closer to being better. Despite how shitty my normal breathing is, it’s better than this. I don’t usually get totally out of breath walking to Grandma’s room and back. I find coughs and colds so much worse than actual vomiting. At least after throwing up, one feels better, but viruses are just horrible, persistent bastards that just keep on beating me down until they finally bugger off, and I have to spend a week recovering. Agh.

The 21st of September.

Tonight we have a mystery! It has been a lorazepam day, therefore one of very little brain activity. Now I have my wool, and the little bit of crochet, but my hook is missing and we can make neither head nor tail of where it’s gone! And I do not have another size twelve so I will just have to go and buy one, at which point I’m sure it will miraculously appear. Stupid sneaky crochet hook.

At lunchtime I had Heinz Veg Chilli Beanz and I can just about cope with that level of spice, it seems. We caught up with Xtra Factor and they had the man in the sequinned vest that we saw in Manchester! He was mediocre and should have sung his other option of NSYNC.

Becky had a very short visit to update us on gossip, but I am mostly concerned with waiting for my new phone and wondering where the heck my crochet hook has gone!

The 22nd of September.

After several quiet days, this has been a very busy one! I felt the need to do a lot of things, mainly replace the crochet hook I lost last night.

So after breakfast, Mommy and I went into town where we started at the Apple shop to see if they sold any cases for the new iPhones that protect the front but they do not. Then it was to the haberdashery section at House of Fraser for crochet hooks. However, the sizing on them has changed, so I was trying to guess by looking but it wasn’t going very well and I asked an assistant for help. She showed me a handy converter that they sell and so I got the correct one (and another one), yay!

I haven’t been wearing my Pandora bracelets for a few weeks now, since my arms swelled up, so today I bought a new, medium-sized one and have re-organised them all. Even the reindeer charm is out on a trial run. I also needed some face moisturiser and nail varnish remover, got that from Superdrug. Oh, we bought a copy of Where’s Spot? for baby Dylan who we’re going to squidge on Friday! I’d seen a really nice leather/shearling/wool jacket on the Superdry website so I tried that on in the shop and bought it, along with a very snuggly infinity scarf thing. Then I got a salted pretzel roll and a Belgian bun so I had a great morning.

This afternoon was very productive too! After lunch I organised all my necklaces onto jewellery trees, my summery nail varnishes onto the rack that I will not be sporting this season. When I came back downstairs, it was time to clean out Hamilton’s cage. So that’s a fairly active task (for me) and tonight I’m pretty knackered.





The 7th of September.

Lorazepam day means that I haven’t been fully with it. I’m fairly sure nothing drastically important has happened, but I will re-read anything I wrote in my other notebook.

I know I can’t read books in this state, so Sunday Brunch was an excellent distraction this morning, and after Grandma came round for lunch, she and Daddy went to her old room to watch the Grand Prix, and now she’s back at Boldmere Court.

I can feel where my skin is going to split and it hurts. I would so very much like to be back to my version of normal.

The 8th of September.

Tonight I feel terrible – cold, tired and shaking even more than usual. I will be in bed by nine tonight.

Photopheresis went fine, nothing to really report. My time was a little bit longer than usual, and as Mommy needed to be at Grandma’s for two today, we were anxious to get going on time. In the end she was only about ten minutes late, and I spent the afternoon writing stuff and watching rubbish TV.

We cleaned out Hamilton’s cage, had dinner, and now I am honestly just waiting for it to be bedtime because I am done with today. I’m sorry this entry is so short and uninteresting but I’ve got nothing to say.

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The 30th of August.

Been having to remind myself that it’s Saturday all day. Lorazepam does knock me but it’s useful. Only once a week though. 

I spent my morning writing up some blog posts and looking at long sleeved pyjama tops online as we’ve discovered that I in fact only have one. Mommy took me to the sorting office so I could pick up a parcel that came yesterday while we were out, which was some biscuits that I ordered for myself from Biscuiteers. They are in the shape of cupcakes and the main one said “You are awesome.” because I am.

This afternoon, we went into town where I got some pretty underwear from Ted Baker, a pyjama top from Gap (I’m going to wear it tonight and if it’s alright then I’ll order some more online), then Mommy went to look for some skirts for Grandma as her leg is too big for her trousers right now, so I sat in Waterstones and looked at all the food books. We got Jamie Oliver’s new one and it is basically everything I want to eat over the autumn/winter. 

Hamilton is having lots of fun rolling around in his ball. X Factor tonight! I’m almost more excited for the Twitter reactions than trying to spot myself in the audience.

The 31st of August.

I woke up at about half three and have felt fairly shitty for most of the day. I came downstairs around nine with major trembles, difficulty breathing and some very localised fluid retention in my right ankle and the upper half of my forearms. It hasn’t got worse over the course of the day, so we’ll just have to see what happens.

So I’ve had my feet elevated all day as the skin on my ankle had split and was painful. This morning I watched Sunday Brunch and I read the interesting bits of yesterday’s Weekend Guardian.

I had beans on toast for lunch, as it really was that sort of day, and this afternoon, Mommy and I watched some TV shows we’d recorded. I also read a lot of The Miniaturist so I’m about halfway through and enjoying it enormously. I have no idea what is going to happen.

I managed to coax Hamilton out into my hand today! I held him on my lap in a blanket and stroked him for a little bit, and now he’s in the ball again. He seems to like that a lot and he’s less agitated in his cage. 

X Factor was interesting! Saw Chloe Jasmine, and the internet seems to agree with me in that she is fake. We felt her whole character was so contrived and she isn’t even a very good singer. Her arena audition is even worse than what they showed last night. We didn’t see any of the other featured contestants. It’s on again tonight so we shall see who appears!

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The 6th of August.

Awake at three. Stayed in the dark just listening to podcasts and music because I didn’t want to aggravate my eyes any longer than necessary. We were out of the house by half eight to be at clinic early, but I still didn’t see Ram until eleven. I got the stitches round my line taken out though in the meantime so that should be more comfortable.

As soon as we were in Ram’s room, I just said “This is worst I can remember feeling without infection and as hard as I am trying to stay cheerful, every so often I really do just lose the will to live and I cannot carry on like this” and wept. Mommy explained all the things that are wrong (steroids causing exhaustion, constant coldness, physical muscle weakness, constant trembling, critically low self-esteem from moonface, then we have the fact that my skin still is raw and sore, and I’m now having a period every month despite not having taken the drug to induce them and this should not be happening, but my “emergency” appointment at the menopause clinic isn’t until the 2nd of September), I occasionally supplied information, then he looked at all my skin. I had calmed down by this point, and we talked. Rituximab has to be a very last resort as we can only apply for it once and I need to be proven to be exceptional, so we’re going to just have fortnightly photopheresis, come down on the steroids and hope it all just works, really. And from things he said, I remembered that there are other patients much worse off than me.

Left pharmacy with a massive list and went to town to get some presents and some lunch, then went back to the QE, picked up my prescription, then came home. Becky came round so we could discuss Alton Towers on Friday, I wrote up a blog post, and I’m getting this done before Bake Off!

My face is even more colourful, and tonight I’ve having lorazepam.

The 7th of August.

My first day of 40mg of pred for two weeks. Let’s see how this goes. Lorazepam last night really actually did some good, so I got up at maybe half past eight? Admittedly I wasn’t sleeping all the time until then but I was rested.

Mommy gave my hair a good wash, and I put a big old mask on my hair to try and give it a bit of a boost as I attacked it quite brutally with a hairbrush on Monday. And my Moleskine wedding planner for Becky’s wedding arrived!

I’ve done nothing of importance today because of it being a lorazepam day, and I’ve just found out little Margot Martini is almost definitely going to die. For fuck’s sake, she hasn’t even had a chance at life yet.

All I’ve done is wear cooling eye masks and watch shit on the box I didn’t need to remember. Kathryn, you are still here. Get more donors. This could’ve been prevented.


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The 29th of July.

Well today went much better than expected! I had a better sleep, only really been properly awake since about quarter past five. The traffic was really good, so we got to the QE even earlier than yesterday, but that was probably a good thing as it took the porters nearly an hour to get the blood up to the unit!

Once it arrived though, I had both bags through within four hours to I actually started photopheresis before two! The line was much better behaved than yesterday so I was finished by quarter past three, which was most pleasing, I had the pleasure of reading a book I don’t remember downloading on my iPad that I only idly started flicking through during my lunch, then got engrossed in and have finished!

Got home some time after four, and tonight I’m going to have lorazepam and decent sleep and I’m so excited I can’t even explain.

The 30th of July.

Well this will not be the most detailed of entries as I can barely remember what happened five minutes ago. I’m fairly certain that I got up at about nine, and spent my morning watching daytime tv and eventually having lunch. Nothing important has happened, apart from I’ve been reading Immortality which is good as I’m getting through it. I just hope I don’t forget it all.

This afternoon, I was having dozy hallucinations so I decided to have a good lie down and an actual tiny nap. I really ought to finish The Goldfinch before that gets made into a film but I really want to start my Falmouth books! I am terrible at doing things in the order I should.

Tomorrow is a transplant/marrow-versary! Fun times!