Archives For New Year’s Eve

The 30th of December.

Is today worse than New Year’s Eve? I think so. The tv is definitely very poor – I had no interest in any of the films on today. I have set Carrie to record tonight but that is not for festive viewing.

This morning I wrote up a blog post, then watched Raymond Blanc dick around on Saturday Kitchen while crocheting the never ending shawl.

After lunch, I had a hairwash, then sat and watched three episodes of Black Mirror while the kittens ran around the room for the first time. First up was Crocodile – thought it was good, interesting premise, to see how far Mia will go, nice twist. Next, USS Callister – I really liked this one. The contrast between the 70’s Space Fleet and the hypermodern present in which the characters and game exist was great, and there was just the right balance of psychopathy and emotion. Really smart. Last I saw Hang the DJ – this seems to be the one most discussed in promo so I was a little bit wary but it lived up to the hype. I loved Georgina Campbell in this role, a much more likable character than the ones she played in Broadchurch and One of Us. I just really liked the concept and the ending. Good work, Brooker. I’m saving Arkangel and Black Museum until last because I think they’ll be the best. We’ll see.

The 31st of December.

2017 has been a weird year. Physically, I spent the first half of the year feeling like shit with pneumonia and constantly coughing. The second half was spent waiting for appointments, trying to figure out why my arm is still the same, desperate for pain relief for my back, and discovering that the diminished lung function I’d been experiencing since the pneumothorax is permanent.

Emotionally, it’s been pretty miserable. Feeling like an invalid for six months was incredibly depressing – it had been a long time since I’d felt so weak, like I was going to die every time I did something simple. Needing oxygen purely to exist felt humiliating. Then as I started to improve, Dean was going downhill, and we lost him. I haven’t been hit so hard by a death for years. We made no progress on my arm for the entire year, and everyone is still baffled. My back continues to decline, to the point where now I can barely stand. And my lungs are a disaster, so much so that an anaesthetist won’t put me under for even a short procedure.

There were some high points. Taking Mommy to The Ritz, Machynlleth, John and Maddie’s wedding, the Anthony Nolan summer reception, Regina Spektor, my ten year diagnosis anniversary, Amusical, meeting Peter and Sophie’s twins, Christmas at home.

Those were all lovely, but my memories are marred by my body’s myriad of problems. It’s really hard to enjoy things when everything is a trial.

I just want 2018 to be bearable. I’m not hoping for miracles, I just don’t want to feel wretched all the time. I’d like to definitively know what is wrong with my arm and whether we can fix it. I want to be able to move around my house without such immense difficulty, so one of my resolutions is to start exercising again. Nothing vastly energetic, but I know I can build up some muscle mass to at least make things slightly easier. I want to read at least two books a month – I am just accumulating them and they continue to mount up without me making any sort of dent in the pile. I am going to crochet an item of clothing I can wear that is not a hat, scarf or pair of mittens. And I am going to take more photos with people at happy times. I have no photos of me and Dean and it devastates me.

I ended the year the way I always do, or at least the way I always want to – champagne and Christmas cake with my family, in front of the fire. Grateful to be here.

The 30th of December. 

Success! I went to Blenheim and my toes did not become agonisingly freezing. 

This morning, Jen came round to visit the kittens. She hasn’t seen them since she fell, so she was amazed by how much they’ve grown. That was a good four weeks ago now, and kittens can grow a lot in a month. Looking back at photos of them when they first arrived, I can certainly see it. Tiny Tim settled in on her lap, which makes sense as he had to be hand-reared by her separately for a while because he was a tiddler. 

She left about midday, then after lunch, there wasn’t a great deal of time to do much except give the kittens their worming medicine (which they have learned they do not like) and feed them before going out to Blenheim.

I love long drives because I get to listen to entire albums while watching the world go by. On the way down, it was Elements by Kina Grannis, and Pillars by Josh Record on the way home. We arrived earlier than our allotted time, so went for a hot chocolate before going to the trail. We took the manual wheelchair, which definitely the right decision because there was loads of mud, tree roots and dodgy gradients. It would have been impossible. But we got round, occasionally requiring teamwork, but it was very pretty and I’m really glad I went. At the end, we had “posh dogs” and hog roast sandwiches, before removing as much mud from my wheels as possible and driving home. Good evening. 

The 31st of December.  

New Year’s Eve and nobody we love has died today. Soon it will be over. As long as nobody major dies in the next few weeks, 2017 might be alright. However, things are looking dodgy for the Queen so it might all go tits up early doors. 

It has been a very quiet day. Pyjama morning, painted nails, all the puzzles in the weekend Guardian. We had roast rib of beef for lunch, which took some time because eating anything that requires much chewing is still quite problematic. 

Most of my day has just been sitting in front of the tv, crocheting my blanket. I had to order another ball of wool to do the fin of said blanket and had an email to say it had been left in a safe place but it very much has not. Stupid lying courier. So far I’ve got an orange stripe and a yellow stripe. Green next – it’s going to be a rainbow. 

Although in the grand scheme of things, it’s been a terrible year, personally, it has not been too dreadful. I made a lot of cute things, hung out with a lot of cool people, took care of many tiny floofers, and got to start working with Anthony Nolan for a cause that I am really passionate about. 

2017 holds the promise of better times, only because I am not sure the world can get a great deal worse. At least we know it won’t be boring. 

The 30th of December. 

I would very much like to sleep again now. Three nights have passed of me just constantly coughing with very little respite. This morning, the oxygen ran out so I was stuck for a good five hours until another one could  be delivered. 

Coughing makes everything so much harder, and my puffiness hasn’t really changed ; my arms are like sausages and I can barely see over my pudgy cheeks. 

I didn’t even contemplate getting out of bed until the oxygen arrived just after one, and since then I’ve just been tired and felt extraordinarily shitty. 

We’re going into clinic tomorrow. I would just like to know what is causing what!

The 31st of December. 

Well, it just wouldn’t be the Cartwright family festive period without me being in hospital. So I’m writing my New Year’s Eve entry from the TCT unit at the QE, feeling horrendous and having flashbacks to 2008/9 New Year in ward 8 post liver transplant. I think we went to sleep at about ten because we just didn’t care. This year my measly celebration has been a slice of Christmas cake. 

I didn’t really sleep again, but we were going to clinic anyway to see Ram. He looked at me and said “Well you look awful” so it’s good to know that the outside conveys how the inside is feeling. He said “We can’t send you home like this”. (Picture me, not speaking, no make up, doubled over, occasionally making weird hacking noises – it’s not good.)

So here I am in YPU on New Year’s Eve, being talked to through masks because of my potential flu. 

This year has been a tricky one. I need to look over it properly to really write a proper review. Right now, my overwhelming idea of 2014 is trying to come off steroids. 

Happy New Year, everybody. Be kind to each other, but more importantly, be kind to yourselves.

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The 10th of December. 

I had quite a lot of sleep, but it wasn’t the best quality. Awake quite a few times. Still. Mommy came upstairs to have another go at my line as yesterday it wasn’t quite playing ball, but today it was better, thank God. I did not want to have to go to hospital today. 

So instead I have sat around in my knitted Christmas joggers and a blanket and recovered from yesterday. I was even more tired than I thought! Also my tummy was not 100% happy so I’ve avoided dairy for most of the day, only having some milk in my coffee this morning but since then I haven’t even had my advent calendar chocolate. 

I am feeling better this evening, but I think I will have another early night and quiet day tomorrow. 

The 11th of December. 

Better sleep, although when I woke up (only briefly) at about half six, the wind and rain slapping against the window was so loud, I wasn’t sure I’d ever sleep again. 

Our scales had broken so yesterday Mommy bought some new ones, but I got on them this morning and they almost flipped up -they’re so light, I just don’t trust them. They feel like a toy. So we went out to Argos and I bought some I feel more confident in. We also got my Pandora charms for the 19th and 21st but they have to stay in the boxes until those dates. There was a lady in the queue in front of us who wanted a particular charm, but she didn’t know what it looked like, what it was made of or how much it cost so she was basically the worst customer in the world. 

When we got home, I had to rummage through some hard drives for some old photos for Nathan/Grazia and found all sorts of gems, including a very cute squished-face kitty who I wish I remembered meeting!

This afternoon, I watched New Year’s Eve and  cried at least three times because I’m a sentimental fool while Mommy took Grandma to see Nutcracker. I also talked to Christine who rang to be sad about being poorly so I told her to buy lots of oranges and some Vaseline to prevent her nose from getting sore.