Archives For pain

The 18th of March.

I have felt really weirdly full since lunchtime, when I had a slice of Bruce Bogtrotter cake. It wasn’t big, but I still feel like I couldn’t eat another bite even though it was hours ago.

It hasn’t snowed at all today, but it’s been so cold that the snow from last night has yet to melt. I’ve been in the cat twosie all day, so not felt it at all.

Still in a lot of pain. Still waddling. Arms are not quite as bad as yesterday, but my bum muscles are really very unhappy. I’d thought I might be going back tomorrow but that doesn’t seem likely now, unless I make a miraculous recovery overnight.

Today I have finished the body of the jumper! I’m now doing the first sleeve, although it took a bit of head-scratching to decode the pattern because they don’t explain what you’re supposed to do very well. But I worked it out and hopefully they won’t take as long as the body. I’ll have to try my arms in them before they get attached because my arms are too long for a lot of jumpers.

I feel like I need to stretch by bending backwards but I don’t think I physically can.

The 19th of March.

Feeling better today, on all accounts. My stomach settled down about bedtime, and I can walk pretty normally again. Not everything is 100% fine, but much improved. I probably would have gone back to the gym, but Mommy has felt weird, as if she was feeling the after-effects of a sleeping tablet, all day, and didn’t trust her reactions to drive, which I understood. Plus it’s still pretty cold so I don’t mind staying inside.

I’ve been doing the sleeves of my jumper, since I wasn’t going anywhere. Bones, Riverdale (honestly so ridiculous – it’s like the writers never talk to each other at all), a bit of Hemlock Grove. One and a half sleeves done, half to go.

I think that’s all today! Just crochet and TV.

The 16th of March.

I have had a very productive day!

This morning, I wrote up a blog post, then got back to my jumper until the post came. That’s because he brought my extra wool to finish the socks with (which Simply Crochet magazine have agreed to reimburse me for because of their misprint, hooray!) so then I got back to them.

After lunch, I went back to the gym got a rather longer session than Wednesday, and I’m sure I’m going to feel it tomorrow. I did tbf circuit Karen came up with, three sets of 12 reps on each machine, plus some floor work. I’ve discovered my lungs don’t like dumbbell crunches anymore.

I left just as the youths started to arrive after school, so I timed it well. Can’t be going in any later than I did today. And back at home, I have finished the socks! I am hoping this pattern will work in the future with other wools too. I’ve tried many in the past and none have worked, but finally I have had success.

The 17th of March.

I am in much pain. All of my muscles are sad. I am waddling like a penguin when I try to walk and that’s after overcoming the discomfort that comes from getting out of a chair.

It has snowed off and on all day, so Sadie and I made the call early doors to postpone our cake date this afternoon. That meant I could stay in my pyjamas until after breakfast, then I put on my knitted trousers and giant snuggly Zara jumper that sheds but is ever so cosy.

Once dressed, I spent the rest of my day crocheting the jumper. It is very tedious, but progress is being made. I think I could get to the end of the body by tonight, depending on how tired I get. I am really rather sleepy but it’s too late for caffeine now.

I watched some of the Scotland/Italy rugby, then when it was our turn, I decided to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 because I thought it would be more fun than watching Ireland thrash us. I was correct. I nearly cried when Yondu died, but was able to hold it together. I’m glad I’ve seen it, or I think I might have been very confused about some bits of Infinity War. I am Groot. 


The 26th of February.

I found the birthday card! I had hidden it (too well, it turns out) in a Christmas bag by my window. Very pleased because it is a great card.

First thing, I gave Mommy her card and presents – a pair of embroidery scissors she’d asked for, and some afternoon tea Biscuiteers biscuits. Then, once I’d had my coffee, I went back upstairs to the computer. I put together Suzi’s sausage dog while scanning for duplicates, then marking and deleting them. The program I got to help with iCloud is no good, so I’m going to have to do it the tedious way.

I got sick to the back teeth of marking individual photos, especially when there were over 40,000 groups, and then the program crashed, so I thought fuck it. I created some rules, auto-marked and trashed them. And seeing as I’m doing the iCloud photos on a browser, I can do it downstairs on the laptop and not be in agony. I’m going to ring the GP tomorrow to find out if they’ve had this letter about steroid injections. I ought to be able to sit in a normal chair without excruciating pain.

The 27th of February.

No computer today! Well, a tiny bit, but using the laptop, not at my desk.

I had a big sleep, and this morning I did very little bar having a hairwash, petting the kitten and doing a bit of gym research. I simply don’t have the impetus to work out at home, so I need to find somewhere that I can go which is more accessible to me i.e. no stairs.

After lunch, I started working on Sara’s King Charles spaniel while catching up on some tv. I’ve made the head and body, and seen the new iZombie (how I have missed it) and last week’s How to Get Away with Murder. I am unhappy that Connor proposed to Oliver because I love them and I think this means that Connor will probably die.

I also spoke to the GP to see if they’d received the letter from Dr. Blaney’s secretary. They had not, so I rang her, but she wasn’t the. Someone from her office rang me back, and it turns out she never fucking sent it. It has been done now but fuck, she is incompetent.


The 22nd of February.

Today has been most boring and not particularly fruitful. Plus I am in quite a serious amount of pain. Not only have I been sitting badly at the computer all day so my back is dreadful, but I accidentally stabbed myself in the thigh with my crochet scissors which are incredibly sharp. I felt them go in and immediately screamed FUCK, then ran into my bedroom, grabbed a dressing from my drawer and stuck it on, putting as much pressure on it as possible. It hasn’t bled too much, but it’s pretty fucking sore.

So yes, at the computer. I hate to admit it but I keep being ready to clear things, then I find another job that needs doing first. That was backing up videos I’ve got of gigs that I’m not certain have been saved elsewhere and that has taken hours. I have finished season 4 of The Blacklist, and have deleted up to 2016. 2018 is the big beast – it’s where all the reborn photos live so that’s over 40,000 photos and I am not looking forward to it.

I got the money from Union Chapel! And our grand total is just over £14k! Amazing.

The 23rd of February.

Today has been half boring and half joyous. First half boring, because I was sat at the computer again. I can pretty much guarantee that is how I’ll spend my weekend too. Deleting, deleting. So tedious. I’ve got to halfway through 2017 now. Very close to the stupidly large 2018 folder that is a huge mess. Then I have to sort out what photos actually belong in this year. Ugh.

Came back downstairs for lunch, then Daddy and I went to see Black Panther! I couldn’t book the tickets beforehand because Vue have altered their system so you can’t get a carer ticket online for Gold Class. I don’t think it’s on purpose, because we could get them fine in the cinema – the website just needs fixing.

It is SO GOOD. Not just the acting, the story, the characters, but the set is fantastic, it is lit beautifully, the sound is used exquisitely, even taken away when the moment is right. It has all been thought through so carefully. I can’t imagine how it must feel for black people everywhere to see themselves and their culture represented so wonderfully. Maybe if I saw disabled actors playing characters unrelated to their impairment. Anyway. Wakanda forever.


The 30th of December.

Is today worse than New Year’s Eve? I think so. The tv is definitely very poor – I had no interest in any of the films on today. I have set Carrie to record tonight but that is not for festive viewing.

This morning I wrote up a blog post, then watched Raymond Blanc dick around on Saturday Kitchen while crocheting the never ending shawl.

After lunch, I had a hairwash, then sat and watched three episodes of Black Mirror while the kittens ran around the room for the first time. First up was Crocodile – thought it was good, interesting premise, to see how far Mia will go, nice twist. Next, USS Callister – I really liked this one. The contrast between the 70’s Space Fleet and the hypermodern present in which the characters and game exist was great, and there was just the right balance of psychopathy and emotion. Really smart. Last I saw Hang the DJ – this seems to be the one most discussed in promo so I was a little bit wary but it lived up to the hype. I loved Georgina Campbell in this role, a much more likable character than the ones she played in Broadchurch and One of Us. I just really liked the concept and the ending. Good work, Brooker. I’m saving Arkangel and Black Museum until last because I think they’ll be the best. We’ll see.

The 31st of December.

2017 has been a weird year. Physically, I spent the first half of the year feeling like shit with pneumonia and constantly coughing. The second half was spent waiting for appointments, trying to figure out why my arm is still the same, desperate for pain relief for my back, and discovering that the diminished lung function I’d been experiencing since the pneumothorax is permanent.

Emotionally, it’s been pretty miserable. Feeling like an invalid for six months was incredibly depressing – it had been a long time since I’d felt so weak, like I was going to die every time I did something simple. Needing oxygen purely to exist felt humiliating. Then as I started to improve, Dean was going downhill, and we lost him. I haven’t been hit so hard by a death for years. We made no progress on my arm for the entire year, and everyone is still baffled. My back continues to decline, to the point where now I can barely stand. And my lungs are a disaster, so much so that an anaesthetist won’t put me under for even a short procedure.

There were some high points. Taking Mommy to The Ritz, Machynlleth, John and Maddie’s wedding, the Anthony Nolan summer reception, Regina Spektor, my ten year diagnosis anniversary, Amusical, meeting Peter and Sophie’s twins, Christmas at home.

Those were all lovely, but my memories are marred by my body’s myriad of problems. It’s really hard to enjoy things when everything is a trial.

I just want 2018 to be bearable. I’m not hoping for miracles, I just don’t want to feel wretched all the time. I’d like to definitively know what is wrong with my arm and whether we can fix it. I want to be able to move around my house without such immense difficulty, so one of my resolutions is to start exercising again. Nothing vastly energetic, but I know I can build up some muscle mass to at least make things slightly easier. I want to read at least two books a month – I am just accumulating them and they continue to mount up without me making any sort of dent in the pile. I am going to crochet an item of clothing I can wear that is not a hat, scarf or pair of mittens. And I am going to take more photos with people at happy times. I have no photos of me and Dean and it devastates me.

I ended the year the way I always do, or at least the way I always want to – champagne and Christmas cake with my family, in front of the fire. Grateful to be here.

The 1st of December.

Food show day! So I got home last night about eleven, didn’t get to sleep for ages, and was up early at seven. Bleah. I’m having Zopiclone tonight.

We were at Grandma’s for 9 and it was freezing. I had to put a blanket over my legs for the car journey. When we arrived, I went straight to Starbucks for a peppermint mocha, then I got a programme and worked out where I wanted to go. Mainly cake-based stalls.

I bought three brownies – one from Gower Cottage, two from The Brownie Bar (triple chocolate and Nutella), a slice of chocolate rainbow cake from a coffee stand, a box of drinking fudge and a slice of salted caramel fudge from Fudge Kitchen, and some filter papers for my advent calendar. Then I was done! So I had to kill time until Mommy and Grandma were done, which I did by watching cooking demos and reading a book on my phone. I caught up with them for lunch (wild boar burger), then we came home.

I got to finally open my advent calendars! First coffee in my Christmas mug and biscuit. Super tasty. Then this afternoon has been lots of planning, and Ann and Tom came to visit the kittens again.

So tired. 

The 2nd of December.

Today has been exasperating and tedious. I had planned to spend my day doing loads of crochet, but very little has happened at all.

It was all because my phone kept crashing whenever I tried to use it, which was obviously infuriating. After trying the basic resetting, to no avail, I thought I was going to have to spend the day at the computer trying to back it up. So I put my diary (so I could type up a blog post), some crochet and some other bits and pieces in a bag and took it upstairs for the slog.

After having it plugged in for over an hour and the progress bar not moving while I typed, I gave up on that. I managed to somehow score a Genius Bar appointment at half three, so I then sat on my bedroom floor and plugged it into the wall while I tried to back it up over the WiFi. It actually got to about halfway, and part of me wanted sack off the Apple Store but thought I ought to go and get it checked out. If they told me to go away, back it up and come back that was fine, I just wanted to know how to resolve the issue.

Town was horrific, as expected on a Saturday afternoon, and I hated everyone, meandering aimlessly in my way. Still, got to the Apple Store, waited for twenty minutes, to find that many people have had this problem today! It’s Apple’s fault – they did something that made lots of phones crash and the way to fix it was a software update. Because I hadn’t had a notification, I didn’t check for an update. Boy, did I feel like a willy. So the chap who was looking after me sat there and we waited for the update to happen while talking about security. Riveting.

Now I am home, all is sorted, and my back kills.

The 27th of November.

Another rather festive day for me!

Got up a little earlier than usual because Mommy and I were going into town so she could give blood and we could do a little bit of Christmas shopping. Her appointment wasn’t until quarter past eleven, but we went in early to return some Zara dresses and the queue in there can be very slow. We escaped with a bit of time to spare, and my plan was to go to the Hotel Chocolat café to have a salted caramel and clementine hot chocolate while I waited, so she came too for a few minutes.

While I drank, I perused the Pandora catalogue for the right charms for my two December anniversaries. I eventually settled upon the two owls for the 19th and the reindeer at night for the 21st. When she came back, we went to buy them, then to Irregular Choice. They have some shoes that I want for Christmas but I’m not sure what size I am, so I wanted to try some on. The girl working there was very helpful, and she found similar shoes in what we thought were the right size for me to try. They were good, so I have an email alert set up and they’ll call me if they get any stock in. Next was Selfridges for me to get something for Daddy, and to check if Huda have changed their drawers. They haven’t, but I spoke to the woman in charge and she was hoping a delivery downstairs was new drawers! But if it wasn’t, they’re aware of the issue and are trying to fix it. Our last stop was John Lewis because I wanted to check if their haberdashery had any chain for a necklace but no luck.

Then home! I had some cheese on toast as the weather demanded it while we sped through the X Factor (hooray for Kevin! Although we don’t want him to win as that rarely ends well). After that, more crochet, although that was limited by my left eye being excruciating for most of the day.

The 28th of November.

I have a feeling that many entries from now until Christmas will involve me sitting and crocheting. I have so much to do! Making at least four different things and some are quite intricate so I have much more work ahead of me.

Today has been rather productive on several counts – I got a blog post done, spoke to both the secretaries I needed to, and had a fairly long conversation with Emma from Anthony Nolan about a cool thing that I am planning but can’t talk about just yet.

This afternoon I have been crocheting – mainly working on a present for Grandma but switching to the one for Mommy when she went out. I was also composing an email about this Anthony Nolan thing and working on some other stuff to go alongside it.

My eye has been much less problematic today, thankfully. I think not having any make up on has helped. Got to wear as little as possible.