Archives For #WorldCancerDay

The 4th of February. 

I do not like diuretics one bit. So much peeing. If this makes no difference to my arm in a couple of days I will be rather annoyed. More annoyed, I should say. I’d really like to wear jumpers that aren’t massive and coats that are actually warm. Sigh. 

Blog post this morning during Saturday Kitchen, then I had to be at Lyn’s house at twelve for another Cats Protection meeting. Part of it involved going down her garden, so I stayed in the house and made friends with her big black kitty. Very soft and floofy but also moulty, like Oscar was. 

It wasn’t a long one, but I was still quite hungry for my lunch when we got back. Then this afternoon, we have made Nigella’s quadruple chocolate loaf cake. It is a behemoth. 

Today is World Cancer Day, and I’ve been wearing my Anthony Nolan Unity Band. I can’t quite believe this year is ten years since I was diagnosed. I don’t know what I expected my life to be at this point – I suppose I thought I’d be fine, or dead. Certainly not this weird, in-between state, constantly breaking down in ever more creative ways. Sure, I’d like to be fine, but I don’t want to give up the good things in my life for that and I think I’d have to. I’m willing to pay this price. 

The 5th of February. 

If it’s not one thing it’s another. The arm is still exactly the same, and my back is really bad – the right side of my lower ribcage is super stiff, so deep breaths are a problem, standing and walking are even worse than usual. God I wish the bloody pain team would just give me an appointment so I could get a drug that works and doesn’t make me sick, unbearably itchy or incapable of breathing. 

Day largely spent in front of the television – Sunday Brunch and rugby, while I crocheted a sock. It’s just a practise, not going to be wearable, but if it works then I can do it again properly. 

This evening, I’ve been out at The Glee to see David O’Doherty. I planned on using the lift as my breathing is still worse than usual, but then I was told to ask inside the venue and they’d take me to it. Unfortunately, that kind of defeats the purpose because to get to the lift, I’d have to leave again to walk to the back door where the lift is, which makes me breathless anyway. So I climbed the stairs, and was taken to my seat which of course was as far from the door as possible. At this point, I was out of breath to the point where it scares me. I just have to sit and wait for it to get back to normal. 

The show was great, just what was required. Denise from Cats Protection was there with her husband and we were saying that we really needed some relief from the awful world. He definitely was that.

The 4th of February. 

I fixed the crochet that was upsetting me. That’s the first thing. 

Second thing is I went to the GP to chat about the fluid in my hand. It’s only in my left hand, doesn’t make sense. He didn’t say much. Felt my hand, suggested I take my bracelets off. There isn’t much to do because it isn’t inflamed. I suppose I just have to watch it, see if it gets worse? Blah. 

It’s #WorldCancerDay today. It’s difficult for me – I have a lot of mixed feelings. No doubtedly it fucked up my life good and truly, but a lot of really incredible things have happened that wouldn’t have otherwise. I have no idea what my life might have been like if I were healthy, it could’ve been utterly dreadful. 

I’m also incredibly grateful to the places I was treated and the treatment I had. My donors, too. However, I resent them for not being quite good enough to fully fix me. I know I shouldn’t be bitter but it’s hard when I see so many other people who got through it scot-free. 

I suppose I just feel like I can’t put it behind me, like it’s never over. If it came back in another form, I wouldn’t be surprised. The amount of oestrogen I’ll go through in my lifetime could certainly cause me problems of nothing else does first. 

I suppose I’m just scared. I’m afraid to try and make a life in case it gets taken from me. 

The 5th of February. 

It has not been an especially busy day. 

I managed to get my own breakfast and coffee this morning, which has made me hopeful for my return to the gym next week. 

The majority of my day has been spent crocheting the lilo for my crochet doll to lie on (yes I know). I took a break after lunch for Mommy and I to go out to town so I could take my Bluetooth mouse into the Apple shop. It was my first trip in the courtesy car we’ve been given while they fix the minor bit of damage that was done the other week when Mommy scraped the car outside Black Sheep, and as soon as I got in I was hit with a wave of smell from the bubblegum air freshener. It’s awful. The mouse is still under AppleCare so they should just replace it. However, for them to do that, I need an actual appointment, and to get one today, I would’ve had to wait three hours. I’m at the dental hospital on Monday anyway, so we’re going to go into town early and go to the Apple shop first thing, so hopefully I can get sorted before I go to see Mrs. Richards or one of her minions. 

We also had a brief trip to John Lewis to get a 2mm and a 5.5mm crochet hook for other projects within the book. I’ve been through it and checked that those were the only ones I’ll need. 

I’m going to have to text Shaki; I want more kittens!

This photo was taken just after I had a tumour that was in my face biopsied in 2008.