The 13th & 14th; Part of me is really sick of life.

The 13th of September. It seems every day at the moment ends with me feeling terrible. I felt fairly normal this morning, but since about lunchtime, my heart rate's been 113ish at rest (it's normally about 83) and I've been extra breathless. I couldn't even walk across the road to Becky's for the party tonight.

I have spent most of the day in the armchair, rising to go to the kitchen to investigate interesting smells and see what else Becky had brought to put in our fridge. For the majority of the day, the house has smelled of pulled pork, plus there were cheesy dough balls and all sorts of other things going on.

I read a lot more of The Girl With All The Gifts too - nearly finished! I also ate a lot of sweets whilst doing so as I've just felt so crappy and eating all the things seemed an appropriate response.

And tonight was Becky and James' engagement party! I pretty much stayed in one place for the whole time - in the kitchen. Outside was cold and the effort required to stand up for a long time was draining, so I sat at the kitchen table and talked to whoever passed through. It also meant I got first dibs on all the food. And there was so much food. Four lasagnes, falafel of different types, bread, turkey, chicken, salmon, mini pies, our pulled pork, plus so much more and then many salads etc. then all the puddings! I can't even list them all.

I left after cake, because it was ten o'clock and I was wrecked.

The 14th of September.

We'll tonight I don't feel totally horrendous. Which is a plus. I had a relatively decent sleep after last night's frivolities, not really waking up until nearly eight!

This morning was Sunday Brunch and finishing The Girl With All The Gifts. We had pheasant for lunch which Mommy brined before roasting and I think it definitely made it more moist than it would have been otherwise. This afternoon, I caught up with last night's X Factor, spotting people we'd seen. I was also looking at loads of street food places and other restaurants that I want to go to in London but visiting them all would be nigh on impossible without a full-on itinerary for about a week plus a hotel and taxi fares because of the wheelchair. It just isn't going to happen.

And we buried Oscar today. At the bottom of the garden, with Ceefer and Toffee. I was fine, then Daddy put the little box of ashes in the ground and suddenly we were all crying and Mommy was squeezing my shoulder very hard. Thankfully, almost as soon as we re-entered the house, Becky and James were at the door with flowers to thank us for helping yesterday so they then provided a very welcome distraction.

Part of me is really sick of life, and another part wants to punch that other part in the face because things could be so much worse.