The 20th of October. 

I feel somewhat better this evening. Had a good sleep, although it seemed very busy – I had so many dreams. In one, I meowed at a lion and it did not like it. 

The day has been mainly dictated by the fixing of the door. The only effect it had on me was that we didn’t go to the cinema, but that wasn’t a major issue. I wrote up a blog post, but didn’t post it until the door was fixed. I don’t know why, nobody could have broken in. Anyway. I then had to remake the head of Heidi’s doll, so I sat with that on my lap until about three, and now her body is finished (again). Except she needs hair. 

Went upstairs for an hour and watched an episode of The Blacklist. I can climb the stairs a bit more easily than last week – I don’t need oxygen when I get to the top. I think I’ll be alright on Tuesday for my anaesthetic. 

Back downstairs, I put on today’s Buffy and started making the hat required for Heidi’s doll, while Mommy and Daddy went to pick up the car from its MOT. Mid-hat, I had a visit from James who wanted to leave a drill with us and borrow a key. We had a nice chat – I haven’t seen him or Becky for ages. Need to have her round when we’re both not ill. 

The 21st of October. 

I suspect this is going to be a rather short entry because my day has been one of little action. 

Mommy has been out all day on a bread-making course that Christine and I bought for her for Christmas, so I’ve had to get everything for myself today. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it meant much pain, especially when making coffee and lunch. Stupid disintegrating back. 

So I have spent pretty much my entire day sat in front of the tv, bingeing on The Blacklist and attaching strands of hair to the doll. It’s a very tedious job, but it is a labour of love. I have now run out of wool so I’ve got to order some more. My collection is growing out of control. 

And that is literally it. Mommy’s back now, and she has brought home a white loaf, two wholemeal breadbuns, half a foccacia, half a ciabatta and a milk bun which I have eaten. So much bread. I am delighted.

The 18th of October. 

I think I am getting better? Very slowly. Like, I am definitely coughing less. I haven’t been quite as phlegmy today? Ohh progress is glacial. 

This morning I did a blog post, and did some more phoning to find out what’s going on with my Andrew appointment. Turns out Christine hasn’t had anything about me, but because I’ve made contact with her, she’s going to find me-related paperwork and wave it in his face so he tells her what he wants. 

After lunch, back on the crochet. Starting a Christmas present (eee!) – have to start thinking about that. Mommy and I have booked our train tickets for our annual London Christmas shopping trip. I hope I can wear more of my festive jumpers this year. 

My left eye has been protesting all day. So looking forward to going to bed and closing them. 

The 19th of October. 

I am just exhausted this evening. It’s not like I’ve been out much, or had a bad night, I’m just tired. Bleah. 

I spent my morning sewing beads to the thing I’m making for Heidi. Mommy had taken Alison to her physio appointment, and must have done something to the door, because when the veg man arrived, I couldn’t open it. It shouldn’t have been locked, but I got my keys and tried anyway. Couldn’t open it. I tried everything but it wouldn’t budge. He put the box in the porch and I yelled out the window “Sorry, I’m locked in!” When Mommy returned, she couldn’t open it from her side, so I ended up having to open the garage and let her in that way. I didn’t have to walk much, but I could barely breathe. I know I’m not well at the moment but still…I think the pneumonia has probably damaged them permanently. I suppose I’ll have to ask Dr. Thompson in November.

We had trip to St. Giles again today to try some more sleeves – not going for made-to-measure just yet. I’ve got two – one that stops at the wrist so I’ve got a glove to go with it, and one that’s the same style as my other one, both in different materials. I’m not enjoying the glove; it’s so squeezy on my fingers. 

And my eye is bad again today. Can I rest, please? Let me rest. 

The 16th of October. 

Started my day with a phone call from Shaki. She was outside, about to put some paperwork through my door, but didn’t want to come in because she has tonsillitis, bless her. Poor us. 

Once dressed, I got downstairs and promptly chucked my water over the table in the living room. This meant I had to take everything off it, including the heavy glass top so the embroidery underneath could dry. Well done me. 

I rang Emelda to discuss my next appointment with Andrew, but found out she’s on annual leave. Rats. I’ll try Christine, the appointments lady, again tomorrow. Then I wrote up a blog post, trying to ignore the apocalyptic light that’s been over us most of the day. 

Lunch, then sat here crocheting a cowl most of the afternoon. Suddenly it was half past four and we had to go to the chiro for my rescheduled appointment. I knew it was going to be painful, but necessary. The muscles that go up either side of the spine had contracted so no wonder I’ve been in more agony than usual. Plus lying on my front on that floor has been bad for my neck so it was a generally unenjoyable visit. 

I also spoke to a lymphoedema nurse because I’ve not been able to wear my compression garment today because it has made the skin on my elbow raw due to it being so tight. Going to try another brand. Why is nothing ever simple?

The 17th of October. 

This is exhausting. I think last night was better? The cough has been pretty similar today – I’m still bringing up phlegm the same colour as before so I emailed Dr. Thompson again. Today is the last day of the co-amoxiclav, and the last sputum sample I gave was essentially spit so obviously it hasn’t grown anything. Anyway, he wants to leave it a few days and we’ll see how I am. 

Spoke to St. Giles again and they want me to have a made-to-measure sleeve, so I’m being measured for that on Thursday. Also spoke to Mr. Titley’s secretary because I haven’t had my letter about Tuesday yet. She said one has been sent, but if it doesn’t arrive by Thursday I’ll be ringing her back. I do need to know what time to turn up etc. This cough better have fucked off by then too or we’ll be in trouble. 

I spent my afternoon watching stuff on Now TV and crocheting the cowl. It’s finished now. I watched the Nashville concert at the Royal Albert Hall and got emotional at Stand Up because it reminds me of Dean. I miss my friend. 

The 14th of October. 

Well, at least now both sides of my ribcage hurt so I’m less concerned that I’ll get another pneumothorax. 

Last night was bad. Back to bad. Just coughed all night long. Today has been all about the phlegm again – surprisingly, the same as yesterday. 

This morning, I got a blog post written up, in between coughs and changing position to try to be comfortable. Thought about washing my hair because it’s been three weeks since I last did but I just don’t have the energy. 

After lunch, I went upstairs to lie down and try to rest my sore bones while I watched the finale of season 2 of How to Get Away with Murder. When I came back downstairs, I finished off the base of the clothes I was making for the doll, then tried to put them on. Turns out, they wouldn’t fit over the head. Adjustments will have to be made. Potentially decapitation. 

The 15th of October. 

Honestly I don’t know if last night was bad or good. I think I slept but there were many small coughs. Today it isn’t rumbly, just still very phlegmy. Occasionally I inhale and hear it all move which is rather disconcerting. 

I spent most of my morning unsuccessfully trying to crochet stuff, and gave up at lunchtime when Mommy came back from M&S with a pretzel. 

This afternoon, we fast forwarded through the Six Chair Challenge on X Factor (it makes it so much easier to watch). Then I decided it was finally time to watch The Little Prince film on Netflix. I kept putting it off because “it wasn’t the right time” or I didn’t feel like crying. But I didn’t want it to disappear without having seen it, so I braced myself. 

It is so lovely. So beautiful. I knew it would be but it still took my breath away. I wish I’d been able to see it on a big screen – I bet it looks incredible. And of course I wept like a child in the past where The Little Prince is bitten by the snake. And although the ending was obviously different to the book, it is entirely appropriate. If you can, you must watch it. 

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

The 12th of October. 

I had my first reasonable sleep in weeks last night. As in, it didn’t take me hours to fall asleep. That might be because of how exhausted I was – I was too tired to eat even half of my tea. 

I woke up with a suddenly very tickly throat that wouldn’t abate unless I drank continuously. It cleared up once I brushed my teeth, but I couldn’t go back to bed. I had an appointment at the GP anyway – they wanted to talk to me about my latest letter from ophthalmology. Turns out they were confused about my prescription. He was actually very reasonable, and we did a bit of a prescription audit so it’s up to date now. 

This afternoon, I watched the new episode of Riverdale (yay!), and felt up to doing a bit more crochet. Another assembly job next. I never know how the cough is going to be the next day so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I’ve got a ticket to see Jayde at The Glee tomorrow night but I can’t see that happening with the way I am. It’s probably not a good idea even if I am feeling better. I’ve coughed enough today for my ribs to hurt and me to get paranoid that I’m going to pop my lung again. 

The 13th of October. 

Bleugh. I had another decent night, but I’m still knackered this evening. I’ll have had this for three weeks on Sunday. 

The cough has changed again today – it was really dry overnight and first thing, and as the day has progressed, it’s been constant phlegm. Wish it had been like this on Wednesday and I could’ve given the hospital a better sputum sample. We have another pot so if I’m still going on Monday we can take that in. 

This morning, I put together the doll I’m making, although I had to reattach the right leg three times because I just couldn’t get the angle to match the left one. 

Then, after lunch, I started on the clothes. It’s pretty straightforward so far, just long. It needs details though, and they will be tricky.  

Oh god I am so tired. Obviously no Glee tonight. I just want to sleep until I am better. 

The 10th of October. 

I live on the floor now. 

Nights are the same, coughing until I fall asleep, then in the morning I’m okay until it starts again. Today, I got a blog post written up, but not posted before it was necessary to lie down. 

Rosemary came for lunch and she arrived to find me on the ground, which is always fun to explain. I got up to eat, but the rest of the afternoon has been face down. I watched an episode of How to Get Away with Murder on my phone, and listened to James Arthur speak very eloquently about mental health on Radio 5. 

It is something I have long struggled with, having been diagnosed with depression at fourteen, and it has varied in severity over time. I have been medicated since I was eighteen, which helps for the most part. I still have days under the heavy cloud, sometimes they stretch into weeks, months, but they end. I know they end. And I’m forever going to deal with the demon that is anorexia which really took hold when I got “better” from cancer. I was in treatment for over a year before I decided I wanted to change. You can have all the support in the world but if you’re not ready to stop self-destructing, you won’t. I still deal with its voice, I worry about my body, how I look. But I know that is not who I am. I am the sky.

The 11th of October. 

I am so tired. I had about three hours of sleep because I was just constantly coughing, and I had to get up at seven because I had to be at hospital at nine. 

It was for my lymphoscintigram in nuclear medicine so we could finally find out if my lymphatic system is the problem in my right arm. I got called through about half nine, having alienated everyone in the waiting room with my cough. I had two injections of radioactive dye in the webbed spaces of each hand, then I had a series of x-rays to see how quickly the lymphatic system would dispose of it. Each scan took five minutes in which I had to be completely still, with my arms stretched out in front of me on the bed. I had six in total, twenty minutes after the first, forty minutes after that, an hour after that, and an hour and ten minutes after that. The final one was me standing up with the machine moved to scan my body. We were able to discern that the right side is not functioning properly, because the dye was long gone from my left arm, but had got stuck in the lymph nodes near the elbow on the right. So now I’ll see Andrew again, and we’ll make another new plan. 

We finally got home at two, had lunch, and now I’m on oxygen because I’m so drained, my sats are dipping. 

What is this rib doing? It digs into the floor and it HURTS.

The 8th of October. 

I have had a really unproductive day. I think it’s allowed, considering how shit I feel. 

Another bad night, etc etc. I just cough and cough my body is so exhausted that sleep overrides the virus. Then the cough seems to stay dormant until morning, then it all starts again. 

I had one of my rainbow bagels for breakfast to cheer myself up, then while watching Sunday Brunch, I put up a blog post. Mercifully, they’re all quite short at the moment. Then I had to go and say goodbye to the kittens end get their paperwork so I could fill it in before Amanda came to pick them up at one. We had lots of pets and nose boops, and when they were distracted by food, I got the forms I needed from the drawer. 

Everything was ready when she arrived, so I just had her finish them off, then we had to wrestle the little monkeys into her carrier. Gave them both a quick squeeze, then shut the door before they could escape. 

Ate lunch while fast-forwarding through last night’s X Factor, then I’ve spent the majority of the afternoon on the floor. Completely flat on my front, that is the only way I get a break from coughing. Otherwise it is incessant.

The 9th of October. 

Honestly, most of my day has been spent lying flat on the floor. 

I didn’t have a great night (again), so as soon as I’d had my breakfast and my compression garment was on, my face was on the carpet. Well, not technically on the carpet, because that is unpleasant – I have been using a blanket as a barrier. 

It suppresses the cough, but causes pain in my back, neck, knees, ribcage and elbows. I’ve also developed an interesting condition in that when I blow my nose, it squeaks, almost as if I have inhaled some kind of device from a toy or something. Mommy keeps laughing at me. The pain is worth it though, not to cough. I emailed Dr. Thompson, just to keep him abreast of the situation, and he’s writing me a prescription for co-amoxiclav which I can pick up on Wednesday. 

Keep thinking about going to pet kittens then remembering we don’t have any! I haven’t heard anything, which I’m taking to mean everything’s fine. 

Right, back to the floor.