The 1st & 2nd; Very “juicy and active.”

The 1st of November. 

Another early start! I couldn't give a shit about the rugby so I may well sleep in tomorrow. Maybe have a Zopiclone tonight. Yes please. 

Had to get up to go and see Mr. Kolli. I'm pretty sure I was first in his clinic today, so he called me in on time and didn't get dragged away too much during my appointment! We had a chat about how my eyes feel, and he checked exactly what drop regime I'd been doing, then he had a look. My pressures had gone down, but not really enough, and my vessels still looked very "juicy and active", which is just delightful to hear. It's clear that the vessels aren't getting better, but we can't put the steroids up again or we'll end up having to do a surgical procedure to deal with the pressures because the drops aren't working. What we're going to do instead is an amniotic membrane transplant. It turns out, the amnion has a similar structure to the conjunctiva, and it also has excellent anti-inflammatory properties, so next Friday he's going to put some of that in my left eye and stitch a contact lens over the top. Fun! And pretty much as soon as we'd booked that in, he had to dash off to theatre because someone was having a crisis. 

When we got home, I put up a blog post and took off my nail varnish, then had lunch while catching up with Dave Gorman's Terms and Conditions. Mommy then went to Grandma's, and I watched the season finale of The Blacklist while I put the new nail varnish on. Very stressful! Had to keep pausing the painting to watch because it was too important to look away from. After that, Riverdale, and because it was Halloween, it was even more insane than usual. 

Daddy was in with the kittens, so I went upstairs and listened the new All Killa No Filla in the dark. No danger of me falling asleep during that! My eyes were quite irritated after all the drops and poking this morning, so I thought it was important to give them a good rest before I go out again tonight to The Glee to see Desiree. Definitely going to be wiped by the time I get home. 

The 2nd of November. 

So it's been a weird sort of day. Mommy was gone before I woke up at half past nine (I had a Zopiclone and a big sleep), because it looks like Grandma is probably not going to make it through this weekend. We've known it's been coming for some time, and Mommy's been doing her best to stave it off, by being with her as much as possible to get her to drink and take her tablets. However, it's got to the point today where she isn't waking up at all, she can't swallow, and she isn't really responding to anything. Her breathing is very shallow and rapid, and she doesn't want any intervention, so it's really just waiting for that to...stop. 

It feels so cold and unfeeling, describing it like that. Maybe it's because I have been around death so much, or because we have been expecting it for so long. Maybe when it actually happens, it will hit me. What I need to do is support Mommy, because she will be the only one left, then. We will be her only family - she has no siblings, aunts or uncles. Just us. 

So, Daddy and I have been at home, not really doing anything in case we get a call. The rugby happened - I didn't really care, and I'd already had a dream last night that we lost so I was fully prepared. I dreamed on Thursday night that my neighbour had to come round, then on Friday he did because we'd taken in a parcel for him, so I think it's fair to say that I'm psychic now. 

I made myself some porridge for breakfast, and because I'd got up late, I didn't finish my coffee until half past eleven. I did some knitting, had my lunch, and watched last night's Extra Slice, because I knew Mommy had watched that while I was out. I then went upstairs for some Dark Time/a nap, because the Zopiclone still in my system was making me very sleepy. I did set an alarm to go off in an hour's time, because I didn't want to accidentally lose my entire afternoon to sleep and ruin my night. 

I returned downstairs, made myself a coffee to make sure I stayed awake until bedtime, and managed to persuade Daddy to do the kittens' litter trays, so Mommy didn't have to do them when she did come home. That turned out to be a good move, because not long after I finished my beverage, she texted me to say she was coming home for an hour or so. That's actually became two hours, but she hasn't had a phone call telling her she needs to rush back so nothing can have changed that much. We've had some dinner and I've been able to find out what's been going on in a bit more detail, and now she's gone back to watch Strictly with the sound off. She's not planning on staying all night, but she won't want to leave if she feels like Grandma might go soon. I don't know how you tear yourself away. Even if she isn't aware of anything much, the thought of her being alone when it happens is too much to bear.