The 23rd & 24th; It's made me feel worthless.

The 23rd of April. This is pretty bad. I'm in a really terrible headspace today. I woke up in a fairly nondescript mood, planning on going to the gym. It's a really stupid and selfish thing that has me feeling this way - on This Morning, they had the couple whose son became the youngest ever organ donor on. Obviously I am pleased for the awareness raised and new donors, but it may seems that they will take all sorts of stories on organ donation, stem cells/bone marrow, cancer, but not mine. They don't want me, don't want to tell my story, don't think it's interesting or even worth telling. It's made me feel worthless. If my sole purpose in life is to spread the message about donation, but no one wants to hear my version, why am I even trying? But if I give up on that then I am struggling to find things that are good. Looking forward to holidays but why? What am I expecting to happen? I have no prospects of a career or relationship so what else am I here for?

So we went into Sutton for ribbon for the pig's neck and stuff that Mommy needed, but I didn't go to the gym because it's very difficult to find the motivation to work out when all that's going round in one's head is "I feel worthless".

So I'm under the heavy cloud. I don't know if it's going to last. But I don't know how it can change.

The 24th of April.

Feeling better. I've been able to shake off the heavy cloud that was hovering yesterday. I woke up in a medium amount of pain in my back - more so than the past few days, so I've had two Tramadol today. Kate came to flush my line and take the stitch in my groin out, which was somewhat overdue. I wore a dress for easier access, but after I'd had my morning coffee, I went upstairs to get changed into some warmer clothes, including stuff that could be worn you the gym if the pain lessened.

It did, so after lunch, Mommy took me down there and I had my first proper workout in nearly two weeks. After half past four, a vast amount of youths descended, suddenly everywhere! Didn't love that. Strange smiley boy was among them, but today I just saw him punch himself in the arse multiple times, then wander off to read a magazine because there were no mats available. I had a really excellent session, so I think I will get back into my routine quite quickly.