The 29th & 30th; It made me feel like nothing.

The 29th of November.  I was thinking I might have a Zopiclone tonight having had bad sleeps recently, but after a visit from Elle, Ben and Luna, I don't think I'll need it. She is a tiny whirlwind human. 

This morning I busied myself with a blog post and the assembling of a crocheted thing. I am being vague about it in case someone finds out what their presents are. It took a good couple of hours because it's quite a stressful process, making sure everything goes in the right place and is adequately stuffed. Got that finished, then lunch. The Winnington-Coes were supposed to arrive at half one but they were a tad late so I started sewing up another thing but didn't quite finish it. 

Once they arrived, it was mild chaos. She will march off in any direction. Many things came out of the bags to entertain her, mainly musical books. We also spent a long time trying to get her to make a duck noise, and were suitably delighted when she did. The only word she can really say is "car". Ben dearly wishes he understood her ramblings and one day they'll make sense but for now it's just noises and pointing. 

I didn't get any smashy hugs this time, just a little headbutt. They headed off at about half four, when she got grizzly and sleepy, and took her new hat and mittens with them. She refuses to wear hats right now, but that's fine because it's a bit big so she can grow into it. 

I love watching her grow. I hope I get to for as long as possible. 

The 30th of November. 

It was a normal day. Daddy forgot his glasses again so we were taking them to him, then doing a couple of jobs in town. I took back one of the purses I'd bought for Mommy to House of Fraser, then went to John Lewis to get my wrapping paper. Doing a red and white theme. 

They didn't have the sort of ribbon I wanted, so we went to Paperchase because I knew they would. We were moving through Selfridges, and there was a man dawdling in front of me so I swerved and overtook him. The next thing I knew, I felt this man's full weight on top of me, one elbow in my head, his other hand on my bag. He used me to push himself up, and I asked him if he was alright. He didn't extend the same courtesy to me, and walked away. I buried my face in my scarf, breathed deep, willed the tears back into my eyes. I know I make jokes about being invisible, but I've never been fallen on before. I was in front of him and he claimed he didn't see me. It really hurt, physically and emotionally. It made me feel like nothing, no one. It's like I live on the cusp of a normal life. I know that when I'm in the chair, all people see is the chair, but today they didn't even see that. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Nobody I know could understand.