The 4th & 5th; I suppose I'm just scared.

The 4th of February.  I fixed the crochet that was upsetting me. That's the first thing. 

Second thing is I went to the GP to chat about the fluid in my hand. It's only in my left hand, doesn't make sense. He didn't say much. Felt my hand, suggested I take my bracelets off. There isn't much to do because it isn't inflamed. I suppose I just have to watch it, see if it gets worse? Blah. 

It's #WorldCancerDay today. It's difficult for me - I have a lot of mixed feelings. No doubtedly it fucked up my life good and truly, but a lot of really incredible things have happened that wouldn't have otherwise. I have no idea what my life might have been like if I were healthy, it could've been utterly dreadful. 

I'm also incredibly grateful to the places I was treated and the treatment I had. My donors, too. However, I resent them for not being quite good enough to fully fix me. I know I shouldn't be bitter but it's hard when I see so many other people who got through it scot-free. 

I suppose I just feel like I can't put it behind me, like it's never over. If it came back in another form, I wouldn't be surprised. The amount of oestrogen I'll go through in my lifetime could certainly cause me problems of nothing else does first. 

I suppose I'm just scared. I'm afraid to try and make a life in case it gets taken from me. 

The 5th of February. 

It has not been an especially busy day. 

I managed to get my own breakfast and coffee this morning, which has made me hopeful for my return to the gym next week. 

The majority of my day has been spent crocheting the lilo for my crochet doll to lie on (yes I know). I took a break after lunch for Mommy and I to go out to town so I could take my Bluetooth mouse into the Apple shop. It was my first trip in the courtesy car we've been given while they fix the minor bit of damage that was done the other week when Mommy scraped the car outside Black Sheep, and as soon as I got in I was hit with a wave of smell from the bubblegum air freshener. It's awful. The mouse is still under AppleCare so they should just replace it. However, for them to do that, I need an actual appointment, and to get one today, I would've had to wait three hours. I'm at the dental hospital on Monday anyway, so we're going to go into town early and go to the Apple shop first thing, so hopefully I can get sorted before I go to see Mrs. Richards or one of her minions. 

We also had a brief trip to John Lewis to get a 2mm and a 5.5mm crochet hook for other projects within the book. I've been through it and checked that those were the only ones I'll need. 

I'm going to have to text Shaki; I want more kittens!

This photo was taken just after I had a tumour that was in my face biopsied in 2008.