The 13th & 14th; Fighting for so long.

The 13th of March.  I thought sleep and a shower would improve my mood but it hasn't. I woke up exhausted and gave myself another half hour in bed, trying to forget how my self-worth is tied up in how other people perceive me, still. 

I stayed in my pyjamas all morning, watching Sunday Brunch and trying to articulate how I felt yesterday. It didn't help. When it had finished and my parents had gone out to take Grandma home from church, I went upstairs to wash my hair and listen to Sia as loud as I could. That felt okay while I was up there, singing I don't wanna die.

It's been Liv's hen party today, and several of the girls I was friends with at school went to celebrate. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting to be invited, that all fizzled out a long time ago, but I just wonder if I'd never been ill, or if I at least was fine now, if we'd still be friends. I try not to think about all the things I could do if I just had that ability to walk about as I pleased because it's too depressing. The life I could have had, the person I might have been, the person I might have been with. What was the point in fighting for so long for a life that can feel so empty?

The 14th of March. 

I feel marginally better today. More sleep, some India.Arie and kitty hugs. I had my breakfast and coffee, then watched This Morning with Monica. As in, she sat on the floor in front of the tv and stared at it. I assume after a while it must have hurt her neck, because she jumped up onto the green chair and watched from there. It's weird, I've had it on all week but it's like she only really noticed it last night. Funny cat. 

After lunch, it was Marvel time, and today's episodes are very stressful! I texted Christine a lot, and it was a good thing I was alone in the house because I was doing so much shouting at Fitz and Coulson, anyone around would have been worried about me. 

Back to Monica once the programmes were over, and she sat on my lap and did much loud purring. She just chunters away while I scratch her head. So cosy. Speaking of cosy, my new pyjama bottoms have arrived and they're so soft, I cannot wait to tuck myself up in them tonight.